Finding Wisdom, Courage and Grace on the road less traveled.
I treated myself to some retail therapy today. Sometimes it’s not about the “stuff” that you get but the time spent with yourself on a long Saturday afternoon. Alone time for me has been rare lately.
I found this little treasure in a bookshop. Leather, green, tall and skinny. It’s an investment in grateful awareness.
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I’ve said before that during times of great pain or great joy, I struggle to find words to write. Extreme emotions just can’t be captured in words. After weeks of roller coaster ups and downs, I’ve finally found a voice again.
In mid October, during a bowling party with work colleagues, my Mom suffered a series of very small strokes. She was rushed to hospital and within days, we found out that she had a tumor in the left atrium of her heart. An atrial myxoma is a congenital tumor that usually goes undetected for decades until a major stroke occurs. We were lucky that her stroke symptoms were minor. For someone so fit, so young, so full of life, the news of a heart tumor came on us like a bomb. We were shocked, devastated, scared, helpless. The world felt like it had changed.
There are moments in time that are etched in memory forever. The kind of moments that people talk about for years. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell? When Barrack Obama was sworn into office? When Canada won hockey gold? This was one of those moments.
Friday, October 8th, 2010. It felt like the world was imploding, the axis of my entire universe was on the brink of total collapse. Like a train wreck about to happen, it’s the kind of fear that you don’t dare stare in the face. It’s there, it’s all encompassing and it has the power to destroy you. Most of the last month was spent trying not to look at the train wreck, trying to hold on to any semblance of sanity and normalcy that I could.
Within days of her diagnosis, Mom was scheduled to undergo open heart surgery. Open breastbone. Heart-lung machine. Risks. Recovery. Prayers. Oh. My. Gosh. Is. This. Really. Happening. I couldn’t believe it. My mom, the energizer bunny, superwoman, friend and sunshine of our lives, suddenly left helpless and vulnerable because of a heart too big. The most loving woman I know with a dangerous condition of a heart too big. It was humorous, heartbreaking, ironic. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I did both. I did whatever it took to survive those weeks of total uncertainty. Mostly, I prayed and project-managed a house in survival mode.
Though I had dealt with tragedies before, none ever came so close to home. You just never think anything bad could ever happen to you or your loved ones. And when it does, the perspective that everyone talks about, the kind that makes you see life in a completely different way, slaps you in the face like cold water. Wake up call.
Each day is precious. Each moment a gift. The things that seem to matter so much like work, errands, and being right, all of a sudden don’t anymore. Nothing seems to matter in that moment of clarity. Nothing. Nothing, except Love. Pure, simple, all encompassing love.
The love found in the overwhelming fear of possibly losing someone. The love in a strained smile given to mask the pain. The love in patience and understanding when nothing seems to go right. The love in phone calls made to people across the globe, a call for prayer and hope and support. The love in tears.
If love were water, we were drowning in it.
Love gives us wings, but it also has the power to destroy us. So you’re forced to choose between the two. And the only choice is to fly. You rise above the fear and you choose faith. You rise above all the petty things and choose to invest in the things that matter. You believe, you declare, you let go and you let God. You choose to fly with powers beyond your understanding. You choose the healing powers of love. You surrender to it.
It’s been a few weeks since Mom was discharged from hospital. I’m thankful to say that she’s home and recovering well. I still struggle to come to terms with the ups and downs of the last month. Sometimes I feel numb to the whole experience. So much learned, so much to be grateful for. Hopefully in the next few weeks, the words will come easier and I’ll be able to tell a fuller story of the amazing journey that we’ve gone through. Until then, I’m thankful that we’re in a place now where I can write to tell the tale. Where I can write of my gratitude to God and the universe for giving Mom her second life here in earth.
Hug your Mom today. Hug everyone you love. Today is all we have.
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My Dearest Baby Brother,
Happy Graduation!
There was never any doubt in our minds that this day would come but now that it has, I can’t contain my excitement for you. I am so expectant. For years now, I’ve been waiting to see how you will harness all that the world has to offer, to do the great things I know you’re capable of. You are capable of such amazing things. It is scary to imagine just how far you will go. You will go so far. I promise.
But I also know how daunting it can be to leave the comfortable nest of student-hood to face the real world. This feeling of being at the edge of a cliff, looking out into the dark horizon without the faintest idea about what comes next is (in my experience) a constant in life.
Though I certainly don’t presume to know the secrets to success or happiness in this world, the older sister in me can’t help but write this letter in an attempt to share some bits of unsolicited advice.
Advice is a funny thing. Baz Luhrmann once put it this way:
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
And so, with all my love, a bit of fresh paint and hindsight, here are my bits of recycled wisdom. Take them with an open heart and a grain of salt.
One very dear friend told me once, “Denise, life is long. It’s not too late to start playing the piano.” This after I lamented about being too old to learn to play music, too old to become an expert dancer, too old to become an athlete. He is 50 and envisions another lifetime of new adventures. Assuming that you’ll live till at least 90 years old, you’ve got 60+ years of doing and learning and seeing to do! There are no excuses! Remember: the race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re not, you can very easily change directions and try something different..
The past is gone and tomorrow will never come. All you have is this moment. For the longest time I’ve searched for my purpose, the one true thing that I’m meant to be doing in this world. But maybe it’s not about doing some grandiose thing. Maybe it’s doing a bunch of different things that really matter to me in the time that I’m doing them. I’ve learned that what’s most important is being present. Whether we’re spending time with family or friends, whether we’re working or playing, now is the time to give 100% of our effort and attention. Maybe that’s what being present is about. And maybe that’s the way to live the best life now.
Of your time, of your love, of your patience, of your talents. It is profoundly karmic and healing. It opens you up, softens your heart, transforms you into a vessel of abundance and blessing.
Trust in your abilities, trust in the plan that has been set for you by something/someone larger than yourself. There is so much in this world that you cannot control and you’ll go crazy in your head trying to bend others to your will. Trust in the process of discovery and I promise you will find joys and opportunities that you’d never fathomed to be possible.
And know that every step of the way and in every circumstance, we (Mom, Dad, Bear and I) will be with you always. We are so very blessed to have seen you walk this journey and can’t wait to see the next chapters unfold.
All my Love,
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If you haven’t already read Umair Haque’s The Betterness Manifesto, I would suggest you take a quick look. I bookmarked it weeks ago but have read it over and over again since, and after each pass-through, something new moves me. There are powerful messages here.
Work. You’re worth something. Stop giving your talent away to organizations that misallocate it, underutilize it, and possibly even abuse it. If you’re doing something meaningless, quit… Find a company that’s better. Better yet, start one.
Live. If you’re living somewhere meaningless, move… Move somewhere where there’s a local community made up of passionate, talented people, a community you can nurture and that nurtures you. It just might be good for your soul.
Civilize. Join civic society. Become a volunteer. Mentor someone. Get involved with a local non-profit. Do something that has, in the parlance of economists, positive externalities: an activity that benefits others more than it benefits you. The basis of civilization is not naked self-interest, it’s shared interest.
Reflect. Take time out, no matter what. Pick a favorite place, a café, a restaurant, park or avenue. Hang out and reflect. What would betterness mean in your life? How are you helping betterness happen? How could you help betterness happen?
Betterness doesn’t just happen. It starts with a spark, with effort, with a daily conscious choice to give, to think positive, to live with openness. Here are my personal additions, less macro, more personal, and do-able on a daily basis.
Think Small. A random text message. A phone call hello. A pause to hold the door open for a stranger. Small things can make a big difference in someone’s day. My favourite memories with important people in my life don’t consist of grandiose trips or gifts. I hold dear the daily rituals, the nicknames, the inside jokes, the random acts of love and affection that happen a dozen times a day. They hold the weight of the world.
Act counter-intuitive. Choose love. We are all ruled by the ego (whose need is to be recognized, to feel bigger, stronger and better than others). When you are inclined to withdraw, to hoard, to protect yourself from others – pause. Think counter-intuitive. Be open, be generous, act with humility. Our first instincts aren’t always of love. Choose love.
Give. Of your time, your patience, your prayers. When I am in need, when I’m stressed, when I’m down, I make it a point to let go of my own qualms for a while and reach out to others. It’s not a natural thing to do but I try hard to turn my own Need into Generosity and somehow, at the end of the day, I go to bed with an incredible feeling of abundance.
Pray. To God, to the universe, to the cosmos. Be expectant. Ask. Receive it in your mind and heart now and watch it all unfold. Know that thinking well for yourself (and others) manifests real-world results. The universe is listening.
Touch. Kiss often. Hug. Connect with another human being at the most basic level. It is in our instinct to touch, but along the way we learned instead to be modest, to protect, to shy away. Touch is healing, reduces pain, contributes to positive attachment relationships (especially between mother and baby) and decreases physical and psychological pain. It’s free, it’s basic and has become so rare in western society these days that it makes me wonder how many number of ailments we can cure by fostering a culture of affection. Greet someone with a hug today. Kiss your mom.
Gratitude. Practice it, keep it top of mind, be thankful. Count your blessings. Live with a perspective of abundance and never will you feel poor, no matter the amount in your bank account. When we spent the Christmas holidays in the Philippines with family, this attitude of abundance present in the lives of my poor relatives knocked me off my feet. With so very little in terms of material resources, they manage to be the most joyful, generous, loving people I know.
Living better daily starts a little at a time but maybe, just maybe, it can make a bigger difference than we can imagine.
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Hi there! I'm Denise. I share my name with Dionysia, the Greek god of wine, pleasure and joy. I'm a photographer, writer, marketer vagabond. I take photographs of enchanted places and the people seduced by them. This blog is an account of the wisdom, joy and grace that I've encountered along the way, and a place where I showcase some of my favourite photographs.
If you have similar stories to share, have questions about purchasing prints or just want to say hello, I'd love to hear from you!
