mom

Matters of the Heart

November 9, 2010

I’ve said before that during times of great pain or great joy, I struggle to find words to write. Extreme emotions just can’t be captured in words. After weeks of roller coaster ups and downs, I’ve finally found a voice again.

In mid October, during a bowling party with work colleagues, my Mom suffered a series of very small strokes. She was rushed to hospital and within days, we found out that she had a tumor in the left atrium of her heart. An atrial myxoma is a congenital tumor that usually goes undetected for decades until a major stroke occurs. We were lucky that her stroke symptoms were minor. For someone so fit, so young, so full of life, the news of a heart tumor came on us like a bomb. We were shocked, devastated, scared, helpless. The world felt like it had changed.

There are moments in time that are etched in memory forever. The kind of moments that people talk about for years. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell? When Barrack Obama was sworn into office? When Canada won hockey gold? This was one of those moments.

Friday, October 8th, 2010. It felt like the world was imploding, the axis of my entire universe was on the brink of total collapse. Like a train wreck about to happen, it’s the kind of fear that you don’t dare stare in the face. It’s there, it’s all encompassing and it has the power to destroy you. Most of the last month was spent trying not to look at the train wreck, trying to hold on to any semblance of sanity and normalcy that I could.

Within days of her diagnosis, Mom was scheduled to undergo open heart surgery. Open breastbone. Heart-lung machine. Risks. Recovery. Prayers. Oh. My. Gosh. Is. This. Really. Happening. I couldn’t believe it. My mom, the energizer bunny, superwoman, friend and sunshine of our lives, suddenly left helpless and vulnerable because of a heart too big. The most loving woman I know with a dangerous condition of a heart too big. It was humorous, heartbreaking, ironic. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I did both. I did whatever it took to survive those weeks of total uncertainty. Mostly, I prayed and project-managed a house in survival mode.

Though I had dealt with tragedies before, none ever came so close to home. You just never think anything bad could ever happen to you or your loved ones. And when it does, the perspective that everyone talks about, the kind that makes you see life in a completely different way, slaps you in the face like cold water. Wake up call.

Each day is precious. Each moment a gift. The things that seem to matter so much like work, errands, and being right, all of a sudden don’t anymore. Nothing seems to matter in that moment of clarity. Nothing. Nothing, except Love. Pure, simple, all encompassing love.

The love found in the overwhelming fear of possibly losing someone. The love in a strained smile given to mask the pain. The love in patience and understanding when nothing seems to go right. The love in phone calls made to people across the globe, a call for prayer and hope and support. The love in tears.

If love were water, we were drowning in it.

Love gives us wings, but it also has the power to destroy us. So you’re forced to choose between the two. And the only choice is to fly. You rise above the fear and you choose faith. You rise above all the petty things and choose to invest in the things that matter. You believe, you declare, you let go and you let God. You choose to fly with powers beyond your understanding. You choose the healing powers of love. You surrender to it.

It’s been a few weeks since Mom was discharged from hospital. I’m thankful to say that she’s home and recovering well. I still struggle to come to terms with the ups and downs of the last month. Sometimes I feel numb to the whole experience. So much learned, so much to be grateful for. Hopefully in the next few weeks, the words will come easier and I’ll be able to tell a fuller story of the amazing journey that we’ve gone through. Until then, I’m thankful that we’re in a place now where I can write to tell the tale. Where I can write of my gratitude to God and the universe for giving Mom her second life here in earth.

Hug your Mom today. Hug everyone you love. Today is all we have.

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An overwhelming love

May 9, 2010

The women in my family… are very good at swallowing disappointment and moving on. They have, it has always seemed to me, a sort of talent for changing form, enabling them to dissolve and then flow around the needs of their partners, or the needs of their children, or the needs of mere quotidian reality. They adjust, adapt, glide, accept. They are mighty in their malleability, almost to the point of superhuman power. I grew up watching a mother who became with every new day whatever that day required of her. She produced gills when she needed gills, grew wings when the gills became obsolete, manifested ferocious speed when speed was required, and demonstrated epic patience in other more subtle circumstances.

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed

A daughter’s life, by womb and blood and love, is bound inevitably to that of her mother’s. The loftiest dreams and the deepest pains cross the thresholds of generation to ebb and flow between mother and daughter in a sea of endless tides.

The rock of mom’s love has been my anchor in the storms of my life. How then, on this Mother’s day weekend, do I give her thanks for all things immeasurable …

… for crying with me in my deepest pains of heartbreak; for hot teas at 2 AM, for answered phone calls during important work meetings, for instilling braveness as we packed boxes, emptied shelves, dusted away memories and started anew

… for sending me off with a smile and a tear, a pain in her heart for the distance between us, but with hope and excitement for the adventures ahead; adventures lived vicariously through daughter because mother didn’t have the chance

… for beautiful random cards in the mail, for hand written notes, for surprise pairs of shoes, for make-up, scarves and exercise balls, trinkets of love and thought

… for laughter that turned to tears; at sunset in Italy as we shared dreams and fears and heartbreak; in a bus careening down the coast, while the driver looked on distracted; at Starbucks next door, tears and coffee and tea

… for “hello” IMs from 6500 miles away, a “hello” that lifts the weight of the world, brings lightness, joy and goodness in an instant

… for dreaming bigger than me, for dreaming bigger things for me, for dreaming that all things good and desired are possible

… for her smile, the smile I’ve thankfully inherited

… for the joyful, patient, beautiful way that she has loved my dad; children learn what they live – we lived in a home full of love, faith and laughter

… for sharing with me the joys of sisterhood – the amazing beautiful love between women; her sisters have become my second mothers; their pains have become my pains, and my pains, theirs

… for teaching graciousness as guest, as host, as friend; a thank you note, a token gift, a bundle of flowers

… for time; always, there was time; evening walks on the streets of northwest Calgary, during the sunsets of my youth; conference calls at lunch breaks, London to San Francisco; homework and brainteasers, zoo field trips and candy stores, elementary through junior high

… for teaching strength, wisdom and courage so i can stand up for myself when needed, but always with a reminder to be soft, to forgive, to choose love

… for being a true superwoman: mother, friend, daughter, wife, career woman, kid (at heart) and glamma (to the Bear)

And yet, it’s not enough. No note of love and thanks will ever be enough to measure the gratitude that I feel for the blessing of Mom’s role in my life. But I’ve learned that love and gratitude are infinite, meant to be given away. So on this weekend, in addition to giving thanks to mom, I’m going to give thanks to all the wonderful, amazing, beautiful women in my life, those who’ve been here as mother, friend and confidante.

Thank you Ma Beng, Ma Pei, Ma Beth for the Castelvi in you. You are the strongest, most generous, most faithful, loving, forgiving women that I know. I am blessed to share your name.

Thank you Grandma for the early and the late years, for all the moments I can’t remember and for all the moments that I do: home-cooked meals, lunches, love and support; thank you for being the true embodiment of generosity.

Thank you Tita Merle, Tita Norma, Tita Julie, Tita Susan for all things you did that turned my dad into the man he is today, for the unending support, even in the distance.

Thank you Auntie Grace for being my mom away from home during university; for the support, for listening, for always being there.

Thank you Auntie Josie for all that we shared in London and after; for bringing your simple, humble love to one of the harshest cities in the world and reminding me just how beautiful the presence of family can be.

Thank you to all the Tita’s and Mama’s that I didn’t mention, from Calgary, the PI and Vancouver. For everything that you are as women that has made my time with you that much more special.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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How not to go insane as a wanderer

September 28, 2009

I’ve been catching up with old friends over the last few weeks – this after being away from the Bay for nearly two years (excluding Christmas holidays). It feels like home here, and at the same time, it doesn’t. Perspective changes you. The more you see, the more you want to see. The voracious appetite to learn, to discover, to live each day with moments of surprise novelty can’t easily be quenched. It’s an appetite that feeds itself; it is a taste of the unknown that becomes sweeter by the day. I realized months ago that if I really want to spend some extended time traveling, learning about myself, and figuring out a business or venture, the time to do so is now. Not when I have a mortgage, or kids, or commitments to a husband that I can’t shake. It’s now.

And so here I am. And what a blessing it has been. To have the freedom (financially and personally) to take some time to carve my days as I please – with no obligations, or schedules or responsibilities. It is something that I am thankful for every single day.

A friend asked me if I ever get tired of living out of a suitcase. I’d have to say no. Not yet, anyway. But there are aspects of the vagabond life that have driven me a little mad. Having no real base (yet) makes it hard to sort credit card billing, health care, wardrobes! It is an organizational nightmare trying to stretch your life across three continents. Over the last few months, I’ve had to learn how to live the mobile life very quickly. Here are a few tips on how to survive the feeling of displacement:

Put your credit card company on speed-dial. Call your credit card company ahead of time when you are traveling. I’ve forgotten to do this several times and have ended up locked out of my credit and debit accounts while abroad. List every country you will be visiting over the next six months and be explicit about the time frames. This will save you many headaches on the road.

Live lightly. Boy, was this a hard lesson to learn. Nobody needs 40 pairs of shoes! Especially when you’re living abroad temporarily. Do you know how expensive it is to ship 40 pairs of shoes (plus clothes, plus purses, plus books, plus little pretty lamps that you bought in China during that one trip in November, and oh! those pretty ceramic dishes from Spain…) transatlantic? It’s just STUFF and all of this STUFF will very quickly come back to haunt you when you decide on a whim to move to South America for a few months. I wish I’d lived like a minimalist during my entire stay in London. It would have saved a lot of time and money during my move and could be saving me the headache of trying to figure out where I’m going to put the shipments that will be arriving on our doorstep at any minute (4 boxes worth, at that!).

Travel in spurts. I think the reason that I’m still so open to traveling (after 3 months of being on the road) is because I’ve done it segments. I didn’t decide to pack a backpack for the year to disappear into 16 different countries all at once. There was Africa for three weeks, then break, then Italy for three weeks, then break, then home for 4 weeks, then break, then Argentina for seven weeks… etc. It enables me to reconnect with precious family and friends, sort things like health insurance and banking, and gives me the chance to properly do laundry (interesting fact: if you hand-wash your clothes in random sinks in third world countries, no matter how many times you do it, they will never really be clean).

Go get a Google Voice account (it’s free!). It will change your life (OK, I’m exaggerating. But its’ great). You basically have one phone number. Forever. And you can use Google Voice to forward calls from that number to any other number that you choose. I just got a temporary SIM card (with ridiculous pay-as-you-go calling rates) but I give out my Google Voice number and just forward calls to the SIM because I know that I won’t be using it for very long. When I get a proper phone plan, I’ll forward to that instead. Google Voice will also let you receive and reply to text messages via email, and will enable you to make long distance calls for cheap. It is great if you don’t have a permanent phone just yet.

Go for quality, not quantity. If you’re going to purchase clothing (especially for travel), buy few pieces that are of good quality. Seven lacy tank tops from Forever 21 will be of no use in the boiling heat of African days and the equally cold nights. Buy proper cotton from reputable brands like Kathmandu or The North Face. It will save you from lugging around disposable, colourful party clothes that you will never wear.

Know what inspires you, and bring it along. This can be your music, a book, a person, a favourite journal. There will be lonely days on trains and quiet evenings in trying to sit out a storm. Be sure that you take along a muse, a token of inspiration that will get you through the not-so-fun times. It will be a godsend. My saving graces: piano music by Jim Brickman, hoochie music by the Pussycat dolls, my Moleskine notebook, my wifi enabled phone.

Hire your Mom as your personal assistant. If you’re lucky enough to have a superstar Mom like me, you’ll know that as your personal assistant she will: email urgent notices about bills, pay insurance when you forget, remind you to take your vitamins so you don’t get sick, call the doctor to set up a last-minute appointment during the 8 hours you’ll be stopping over in town, send you a great big virtual hug when you’re feeling down, and remind you to take care of the hundred important things you will forget to do. I highly recommend hiring your Mom as your personal assistant. And in all likelihood, she will only demand that you pay her back in hugs.

Be content, thankful, happy in the moment. My Dad always says that happiness is a state of mind. And it’s true. Sometimes (being the irrational and crazy people that we are), we have (even in the best of times) the-grass-is-always-greener moments where we just wish we were doing something else. I have moments when I crave having a house, cable TV, a gym membership in a neighbourhood that I’ll be in for more than just a few weeks. Sometimes I want to nest. And then I snap out of it. Because I know that I’m meant to be here now, doing what I’m doing, learning what I’m learning. That time (of homes and kids and gym memberships) will come, and probably sooner than I plan or expect (because life has a funny sense of humour that way). But for now, I am content and happy and SO SO THANKFUL for all that has happened so far and for all the possibilities that lie ahead. We only have this moment. Be happy and thankful and content in the now.

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And Europe is just a little quieter these days…

June 18, 2009

Mom just left after her two week visit here in Europe! It was AMAZING. We didn’t fight! We didn’t even get annoyed with each other! This is great considering the last time we spent some quality time together in Europe, she gave me the silent treatment for two days because I brought us to the wrong airport and we missed our flight to Prague. Ooops! =) This time around, we didn’t lose our passports, we didn’t miss any flights and we didn’t get robbed. Dad must be so proud of us!

We explored London with Auntie Jose and Auntie Beth, who were visiting from Vancouver. They managed to be-friend every possible Filipino in Camden market that day. Discounts discounts! And then we saw Nice, Monaco and the Amalfi Coast. Just beautiful. It was full of laughter, nonsense and inappriopriate chatter. For those of you who think that my Mom is little Miss Innocent – DO NOT BE FOOLED! I am, after-all, my mother’s daughter. And what daughter does, mother did also…

You can see our pictures from France and Italy here.

Things I learned from my mother:

Always look your best. You never know when you’ll find a potential husband driving nearby (in his Ferrari, Bentley etc etc).
It’s ok to wear revealing clothing when you’re running around Europe all by yourselves. For some reason, people are so much more friendly and willing to help you out!
You can be a fashion model, anytime, anywhere. See examples here, and here, and here.
Eight thousand foot gondola rides aren’t that scary. As long as you scream and freak out the ENTIRE way up!
It’s OK to marry your daughter off to the first man who asks. Even if he is fifteen years old!
It’s OK to talk to random people about anything and everything. It doesn’t matter if they speak English, Spanish, French, Italian. Just talk to them.
It’s also OK to try to crack jokes, in conjunction with the tour guide. Example:

Tour guide: “The winding steep road that goes up to Anacapri can sometimes be considered dangerous. It has a special name. To Americans, it is called ‘Oh-My-Gawwwwd’.” [Insert laughter from the crowd here]

Mother interjects: “And ‘HOLY COW’!” [Insert silence from crowd here]

Next time, I will have to remind her that “Holy Cow” is so 1980′s.

Anyway, that is a short summary of how the last two weeks have been. Needless to say London, and Europe, seem just a little quieter these days. =)

In all seriousness – we had a great time. I am blessed with the most incredible mentor, supporter and friend in my Mom. =)

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