A Girl in the World

learning

Compassion’s pain

July 29, 2010

Sometimes, there are moments I wish I could take back and do-over.  Press life’s Rewind button.

Today, we went to the hospital to get the Boy’s stitches removed (he had minor surgery a few weeks ago and was in for a routine screen).  I hate hospitals.  Especially urgent care (emergency) rooms.  They are creepy.  A symbol of pain, heartbreak, stress.  I’m one of those people who can walk into a room and instantly feel the emotion of the place. Emergency rooms are not zen, no matter how nicely they’re decorated or how many fun magazines there are on the tables.  They make me instantly anxious, so much so that I feel nauseous.

There was a lady in front of us at check-in who was being helped out of a wheelchair.  She must have been in her mid thirties and clearly in a lot of pain.  Tears rolling down her eyes, she shuffled slowly into a room out of sight.  My imagination started running wild with possibilities.  What could have happened to her?  Why is she here alone?  Did someone hurt her?  A few minutes later, she was asked to sit in the waiting room across from me (the Boy had gone in to see someone at this point and it was just me and her, with the TV blasting in the background).  She looked away, ensuring I wouldn’t see her face and she sat there hunched over, clutching her stomach.  I could hear her sobbing.

So much of me wanted to reach out to her and ask what was wrong.  I was in agony for her.  I could feel her pain from across the bright, lifeless room and I wanted so badly to touch her and give her whatever comfort I could provide.  But another part of me feared getting too close.  I feared that I was intruding on her privacy, I feared the possibility of being exposed to a world and life much less innocent and different from my own, I feared her pain.  My heart was breaking.  For her.  And because I was so disappointed in myself for my own cowardice.

A few moments later, a nurse came by to give her some medicine and the Boy came out with a happy smile on his face.  We could go now. Everything was fine.

Except that it was not.

The moment had passed.

Compassion and love could have been exchanged in that moment, in a time  and place when they were needed most, but now the chance will be lost forever.  It’s been a few hours now and I am still feeling ill from the experience.   Terrible.  I couldn’t find the courage to risk my own fears so that I could relieve the pain of another.

I hope the next time, I will be different.  =(

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… and poured full sentences of Castellano out of my mouth!  Full sentences!  Out of MY mouth! Like mute babies who all of a sudden start talking out of the blue, I started pulling words out of the air to build sensical phrases on the spot. Like a storm, it all just came raining down.

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I don’t want to beat this language learning thing like a dead horse, but wow the little victories count for a lot. Last night, the boy’s mom was over for dinner and in one fell swoop I said, “Estoy cansada. Normalmente, no tengo clases los viernes, pero por la huelga de maestras en marzo, tenemos una clase hoy.”

I stopped and looked at the boy, our jaws hanging down to the floor in shock.  Did all of that just come out of my mouth, in real time?! I looked around to see if someone else could have said that out loud because that couldn’t have possibly been me, could it?!

We high-fived across the table like it was new year’s eve 1999. You cannot even imagine the elation.

We celebrated with milanesa de pollo delivery and a kilo bucket of ice cream. Reward systems are important. =)

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After writing about my demoralizing weekend of not being able to communicate with the boy’s family, I’ve received lots of great advice on how I can speed up my uptake of Castellano.  Everything from more dinners out (great!), more local TV watching and tandem language partnering!

I’ve decided that I’m going to look for the Spanish subtitled versions of Sex and the City (at least the subject matter will keep me interested and learning Spanish words for some of the things that come out of Samantha’s mouth will, at the very least, be memorable) and I’m going to purchase a box of flashcards so I can easily collect verbs.  Flashcards worked wonders in university when I was learning formulas, definitions and chemical elements.  My geeklette flashcards were so good, in fact, that people would nearly mug me at the library trying to steal them from me! Yes. Dorkness.

But what I’m most excited about trying is an idea my friend AV sent:  find an interesting Spanish music artist, purchase the CD and learn all of the songs.  Brilliant, right?  I used to be in choir.  I’m all about the singing.

Well, because I’m such a considerate and giving person, I asked the boy last night who his favourite Spanish artist is.  I figured I’d be merciful.  If he’s going to be dealing with my endless singing for the next few weeks maybe he should get a say in my choice of karaoke practice.  

And you know what he answered?

Riki Martin.  

Yes.  That’s Right.  

And I was like, “What?!  You want to hear me singing UNO, DOZ, TRES, LIVIN’ LA VIDA LOCA! all day long?!  Are you nuts?”

And then we thought of Shakira.  She’s cool, she’s hot, she’s a she wolf.  But I can’t be overly ambitious here.  The woman yodels.  And she does crazy things with her hips that I can’t do.  I think she’ll just make me feel more insecure ;)

So, we’re at a standstill.  Riki Martin and Shakira.  That’s the best we could come up with.  Pathetic, right?  

We need help.  Any suggestions?  Carlos Bauté?  Eros Ramazzotti? Sakis? OMG Sakis!  HE IS SO HOT!  Maria and I agreed we’d have his babies together!  But wait, he’s Greek.  I digress.

Advice, anyone?  ;)

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We spent the weekend in Mar del Plata to visit the boy’s family.  We had home-cooked food, spent time by the sea and generally relaxed for three days.  But my oh my, what three days of pure frustration they were for me.

After 8 classes of Español para Extranjeros, I was feeling fantastic leaving Buenos Aires armed with what I thought was a battalion of new verbs and tenses with which to communicate.  I was WRONG.  Speaking in class and understanding the teacher is VERY different from speaking in real life and understanding people in real life.  Real life doesn’t speak as slowly or as clearly as my professors do.  Verbs don’t conjugate themselves as quickly or as easily in my head during real life.  And nobody is writing me simple tense letters in real life.  Real life español has been a real shock.  I am sad. =(

I don’t know who I was kidding when I thought I could jump into a school and learn Castellano via osmosis.  If I just sleep on the verb book, won’t it all just soak into my brain at night?!  And doesn’t eating Argentinian food – cooking it even! –  doesn’t that count for some form of mercy from the language gods?!  

Oh the pure frustration of hearing bits and pieces of a conversation and not being able to conjugate quickly enough to contribute!  So incredibly annoying!  I know I should look at it as more exciting, and new and fun, but really, I’m tired of not being able to contribute a normal sentence in a very normal conversation!!!

I need a new strategy and I need it fast.  Any advice on how I can learn more quickly?  As in, lightning fast quickly?!  

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Being your own boss

April 13, 2010

In addition to the Spanish classes, cooking practice and blog writing, I’ve also been busy experimenting with online commerce and working on a start-up with a few friends.  And wow, it has been a lot of work (both the e-business and the start-up).

As a former corporate employee, I had no concept of what it’s like to be your own boss.  It is much harder than I expected.  You need to be extremely self motivated.  The peer reviews, evaluations, and performance appraisals were all a bit of a pain as an employee but from the outside looking in, I understand more clearly now that they served as very powerful motivational tools for individual performance.  Human beings need structure.  We need roadmaps, goals and guidelines.  We need systems of support and praise.  And even though many self-help books profile entrepreneurs as individuals who thrive on ambiguity, I strongly believe that the most successful entrepreneurs are those who create their own systems of structure.

Being your own boss literally means just that: being a boss to yourself.  This means getting up at a reasonable hour, earning your day’s keep (albeit nonexistent, small or potential) and answering to goals and targets that you’ve thought through and established for the foreseeable future.  It is so not about coffee dates in the mid-afternoon, getting your nails done sometime after that and then doing a few hour’s work here and there.  It is so much harder than that.

This kind of self discipline is tough work.  I’m only starting to get a feel for how to best manage myself.  I have to be my own mentor, advisor, boss, peer, employee.  I have to learn how to ensure that I’m performing at my best.  The most successful managers I’ve had (in my short career) are those who’ve not only pushed hard for successful individual performance, but who’ve also recognized my unique skills and passions and taken advantage of them.  Now it’s up to me to sift through and figure out what I’m best at, how I best work and how to garner the greatest output for my efforts.  This is a mind-bending exercise that takes time, energy and so much patience.

And as so often happens in the minds of writers, marketers, strategists, students or anyone with a deadline, my mind is an expert at finding many paths to distraction.  There are some days when I’ll motor through a task like a machine and other days when it feels like my productive output totaled only an hour’s worth of work (and oh the frustration that days like these bring).  It has all been a process of learning to learn, of learning to work, and learning how best to do both.

The process is long and sloooooow.  Learning about yourself and learning how to be your best self doesn’t happen overnight.  It takes concerted effort, deliberate time and a whole lot of forgiveness.  But here are the few things I’ve learned in the last year of being my own boat’s captain.

Be mindful of your fears
Our fears are a reflection of the things most important to us.  Instead of running from a fear, instead ask why you might be feeling the way you do.  Running away from things most important to us only because we fear facing them is counterproductive and keep us from growing.

Set daily routines

Wake at a decent hour each day.  Allot times for study, work, creative time.  Get on a gym schedule if possible.  Create a routine so that your mind and body know that it’s time to get down to business.


Be mindful of your most productive hours

Part of being your own boss is getting to know your own strengths and weaknesses.  It will help a huge deal if you recognize early how and where you’re most productive.  Do you work best in the mornings?  If so, rise early.  Do you work best with natural light, at a desk, sitting on the couch, in a coffee shop?  Do you need music, silence, ambient noise?  Are you most creative with pen & paper in hand or at your keyboard?  Recognizing your personal quirks can do wonders for your productivity.

Create a personal Board of Directors

Great companies enlist the guidance of a board of directors.  Create a Board of your own.  Garner the support and feedback of trusted friends, family members, old professors, mentors and maybe even relatives/cousins younger than you.  You should be comfortable enough with each member of your board to go to them for personal, professional or business advice.


Learn how to make decisions in ambiguous situations

Sometimes, the more choice we have, the less satisfied we are with whatever path we choose.  Oh, the paradox of choice.  Decision making becomes much easier when you start to look at your choices and your priorities in a silo.  Quit comparing your choices with those of others and start identifying priorities that are most significant to you personally.  Here is a great guide on how to do this.

Forgive yourself

It has taken me a long time to learn that I don’t have to be so perfect all the time.  As a recovering overachiever, I’ve learned to give myself time to discover the things most important to me.  When I traveled around the world last year, I regularly felt guilty for having left a stable job, for cutting ties to all things permanent in my life, for enjoying so much free time during the worst economic recession since the Depression.  I’ve realized that I needed the total distance and change to be able to tap the potential of what lies ahead.

Trust the wisdom of the moment

Surrendering to the moment and trusting in its wisdom is not an easy task.  We’re mostly control freaks, needing to know why, when, how we’ll get to the next big thing.  Sometimes big things will be inspired by the small things.  A chance meeting with a friend of a friend.  A light bulb idea at a coffee shop.  A casual discussion in an elevator.  These moments have the power to reap amazing results if you let them.  Surrender and believe.

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Learning a new language is like stumbling through darkness to a destination not yet charted.  I know I’m going to get there at some point but where and how I’ll know, I have no idea.  Learning Spanish has been like a shot in the dark.  There’s a goal but I’m not quite sure exactly when I’ll know I’ve made it.

I’ve never been very good at languages.  I supposedly graduated from the French immersion program in high school but it was a big fat joke.  I don’t even know how I managed to write the book reports required of us.  What I do remember is reading the English version of the French novel and going from there.  Lazy, I know.

In London, I hired a private tutor.  He was from Spain, took his job as a tutor very seriously and within a few weeks fired me because I wasn’t taking my job as a student seriously enough.  That was the end of Spanish learning in London.

In November, while spending six weeks here in Buenos Aires, I was taught by another private tutor.  She was great and we became friends.  We became such good friends, in fact, that we talked more about our lives, our men and our hopes and dreams than verbs, conjugations and all things academic.

Today, I’m enrolled at the University of Buenos Aires.  And it’s amazing.  Though the pace of class isn’t that of a normal university course (I’m taking Spanish for Foreigners, which ensures that our class is a mixed bag of immigrants, party animals and people who are just hanging out not knowing what to do between lunch and dinner), we have proper homework and verbal exercises and (hopefully) quizzes.  The teacher does not speak a word of English and at first I thought this would be counterproductive.  I was wrong.  It’s amazing how much harder your mind will work when it feels like it’s drowning in misunderstanding.

It feels so good to learn something new again.  I’ve been on vacation for almost a year now.  My mind has relaxed and expanded, my perspective has grown and changed.  However, I’m starting to feel the itch of wanting to take on the next big challenge, the next new thing.  Human beings aren’t meant to be idle.  I think we all have an innate desire to grow, to change, to stretch ourselves.

I wish I’d done more of these learning courses while I was working.  Doing something fresh and different from the everyday grind is good for the mind.  What would I have taken on?  Let’s see…

… drawing classes

… a pastry course

… French for beginners

… jazz dance

… a sales course

… blacksmithing

… creative writing

What are you going to learn next?

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The next next generation

March 18, 2010

When it comes to technology, I consider myself quite tuned-in. I read my daily TechCrunch, Valleywag, Boing Boing and Engadget. I’m an early adopter of most online services and I get really really excited about stupid geeky things like A.I. apps, open-source CMS offerings and start-up camps.  But in my old age, I’m starting to realize that I’m pretty damn behind.

An evening hanging out with my 24 year-old brother reveals that I’m a gaming dumbass (I mean, is it really necessary to have 20+ buttons on a PS3 controller?!), that I pay way too much money for digital music, and that primetime TV is oh so yesterday (with vlogs, Netflix, Hulu and YouTube, apparently there is no need for a TV).  And even though all of this makes me feel like a dinosaur in the tech universe, I figure my brother’s ability to do 400 things online at once and his ability to find bespoke mixes by DJ Tiesto for free can be attributed to the fact that I think he’s got some form of ADD.  The kid is just plain strange (i.e. he collected collections as a child, and once, he nearly died under a snow pile trying to make an igloo from the inside out).  Compared to normal people, I’m not so behind.

But then enters Avni.  Avni is the most delicious thing on offer this side of the northern hemisphere.  Her cheeks are a perfect blob of puffy pink goodness.  Her eyes are so big she can pass as an anime cartoon.  And she is so smart it takes three adult university graduate homo sapiens to keep her from establishing a dictatorship in the household.  She can latin dance with the best of ‘em, creates beautiful table art with creative ingredients like yogurt, raisins and milk and she sings, improv style!  And as if all of this weren’t enough to whizz her past all rounds of college admissions, she is well-versed on the iPhone, YouTube and digital video capture.  She is two years old.

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While over at Avniland last night for dinner, I couldn’t contain my shock as she thumbed through her favourite nursery rhyme, walked me through her favourite videos and practiced her vocabulary with flashcards of things like asparagus, helicopter and goat (I don’t think I learned how to say asparagus until I was 20).  All on the iPhone.  I don’t even own an iPhone!

When a two-year-old looks at a laptop screen and touches it to see if she can turn the page, you know instantly that her world is a completely different universe from ours.  When she wants music, instead of an instrument, she turns to YouTube.  When you take a picture, she knows instantly to walk over and view herself on the camera’s LCD screen.  And she knows, from a pile of many, which file on the iPhone is her favourite dancing video.  She is two years old!  TWO!  Next thing you know she’ll be tweeting her favourite toddler app marketplace via her iPad.  This is like a scene from a futuristic movie that didn’t get off the ground because it’s already so dated.

How do you even keep up with a kid like this?!  As a parent, not only do you have to hone your negotiation skills (because raising a two year old, I’ve discovered, is like being in the longest deal negotiations meeting of all time), your parental instincts, your patience, your perseverance, manage your energy, and practice prioritization, you now must also be a tech guru!  You must be well-informed, prepared and aware of how technology will impact your darling little baby.  And lucky for my friends (Avni’s parents), they’re both in tech.  What about parents who aren’t interested or tech savvy as it is?  How do you raise a child three steps ahead of you in this space?  It’s like an illiterate parent teaching their child to read.  Is that even possible?

Though I know a lot of it has to do with exposure and the home environment, the idea of a two year-old navigating an iPhone isn’t such a radical concept these days.  But as someone in their twenties, not yet a mama, and a suffering technophilia, I tell you, actually seeing this happen in person is still a sight to behold.

This world is changing and it’s changing faster than ever.  One year ago nobody checked into Cafe del Dogge on foursquare, the Kindle was for early adopters and YouTube live streaming was the new hot thing.  Six months from now Twitter will be an old fad, Facebook will have taken over the world, and heck, Avni might even be president!

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Last night I was treated to a showing of Cirque’s Ovo, courtesy of a great friend who thought of me when a certain company decided to be nice to its employees by buying-out the entire show. Guests were invited.

Cirque is ridiculous. It’s the 2nd show I’ve seen (the other was ‘O’ in Vegas and that one made me cry it was so good) and this too left me feeling in awe. Here are a few life lessons learned from Cirque du Soleil:

  1. Impossible is just a word. I stole this sentence from a promo video playing in the refreshments area, but it’s true!  When you see a guy loose-rope hand-walking 30 feet above the stage, you realize that impossible is just a limitation that you give yourself.  I didn’t even think you could tight-rope walk with your feet!  RI.DIC.UL.OUS.
  2. Love your body. Cirque is so sensual.  It’s all about the body and movement and dance.  We don’t pay enough attention to our physical well-being.  Bodies, too, can be creative, pushed, taught, challenged.  We take it for granted that we have them.  Once in a while, we should don gorgeous costumes, put on beautiful make-up, blast fun music and just dance damnit! Just dance!
  3. Practice makes perfect. Have you ever seen a 10-person hip hop dance group perform off beat?  Well Cirque is the opposite.  Everyone is on-time and perfectly coordinated, which makes a world of difference in the perception of quality and expertise.
  4. Get a trampoline.

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Being in Argentina for so long gave me the opportunity to get to know some pretty great people. Culturally, it was such an enriching experience to spend proper time doing normal things, like grocery shopping, going on walks, hanging out at the park, working. I met people from all walks of life: businessmen, young parents, single yuppies, expats and locals. And one theme that really stood out when it comes to Argentinians is their value/love/interest in education.

About half of all the native Argentinians that I met were doing some sort of course: a friend working at the Canadian embassy doing French Translation, The Boy’s mom doing Social Psychology, a web design project manager doing Graphic Design, a full-time mother of two babies learning Italian. Whether once a week, online or half-time, people really put time and effort into an interest that they want to learn more about. It’s really inspiring.

It had never really occurred to me, while I was working, to go and enroll in a photography or creative writing course. I’ve got various “extra-curricular” interests and it’s only now that I’m giving them the space to blossom. And I wonder why I waited so long! A night course once or twice a week would’ve been do-able! Continuing education doesn’t necessarily have to entail an MBA or a Master’s program. Why not take that tango class? Or painting class? Or calculus course? Maybe these little bouts of “newness” should be prioritized in our daily lives, just as importantly as things like coffee with friends, grocery shopping, the gym. An hour a week to stretch your brain in a new way sounds like a pretty great gift for yourself, no?

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Ode to Learning

November 4, 2009

I am on such a high.  I’m so tired (had only 6 hours of sleep last night because dinner ended at 1am) but so happy.  I have been learning so much here.  So much.  Spanish for two hours in the morning, then HTML and CSS via Dreamweaver, and then consulting work and then business planning and then cooking (ha, or eating, depending on how you look at it).  My mind is pushed to the max every single day.  It has been SO SO LONG since I have felt this intellectually challenged and I’ve really missed it.

What a great way to spend some extended period of time.  Go learn something!  Go do something uncomfortable!  Go make things, try things, turn things upside-down and inside-out!  Go be surprised!

There is something to be said about working/learning holidays.  Gah.  So fantastic.  Such a feast for the brain cells and the senses.

Estoy feliz. =)

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