A Girl in the World

family

Family Road Trips

December 5, 2012

Hawaii, Maui

For as long as I can remember, our family vacations were spent in cars, journeying across Western Canada and the US. Trips to Airdrie, Banff, Drumheller and Edmonton became monthly rituals. We found every excuse to get in the car and just ride. I remember weekly trips to Mackay’s Ice Cream in Cochraine after Sunday mass. We’d pass the wealthy neighborhoods of Bearspaw and Springbank, with their large acreages and golf courses. I’d daydream about living in one of those big houses one day, with a yard big enough for a trampoline. I think we enjoyed the drive up more than the ice cream cones, in the end.

Our first big road trip was in 1991 when we drove from Calgary to Vancouver in a grey, rusty 1985 Honda Civic that my dad bought used when we first moved to Toronto. I don’t remember how hot it was without air-conditioning (the car didn’t have it) and I don’t remember how many hours we spent in that back seat (eleven, to be exact). What I do remember is how thrilling it was to watch the prairies turn into rockies, the rockies into pine forests and pine forests to big city lights. The hours passed quickly. My brother and I would look out for caribou, deer, elk, beaver. We’d make up songs, play road-trip bingo, recite stories about the cowboy lives we could be living out in the wilderness. We discovered the world through the windows of our little car, with the wind whipping in our hair, the radio blasting, cheese curls and Fruit Loops in our laps. We drove to Seattle, Las Vegas, Disneyland, San Diego and even Tijuana in that little un-airconditioned Honda.

Soon, we upgraded to a van – a wild berry colored Chrysler Grand Voyager, with a maroon interior and bucket seats. It had room enough for Bope’s (the hamster’s) cage, all the food we could want, pillows, blankets and several weeks worth of luggage. The road trips became ritual then. We visited Banff every weekend and if not, we’d go find some other place to drive to: strawberry orchards, Glacier National Park, Jasper, Kananaskis. My fondest memories were of rainy evenings driving through the rockies, the windshield wipers swiping to the beat of Tina Turner’s Greatest Hits. I know every word to every song in that casette tape. And if not Tina Turner, it was Kenny Rogers.

Hawaii, Maui

Hawaii, Maui

This past week, we paid homage to our family road trip traditions while on vacation in Maui. Instead of day-long beach escapades and snorkel trips, we drove the lush jungles of the Hana Highway all the way round to Kipahulu’s barren fields. We drove the misty up-country roads of the Makawao Forest Reserve and winded our way up to Haleakala National Park. With the roads mostly to ourselves, we had ample time to visit volcanic beaches and red clay canyons along the way. We passed cattle grazing on the highway, stopped at road-side trailers for bites to eat, explored two hundred year old churches that time forgot. And in true form, the three of us often fell asleep to leave Dad at the helm.  Minus the hamster cage and Fruit Loops, it felt like we’d traveled back in time for a few days. Just us, our car and the wide open road ahead.

Hawaii, Maui

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It’s a Family Thing

April 10, 2011

I can’t believe it but I think my little brother has suddenly turned into a man. We went to Stanford and took photos today and wow, I can’t believe how grown up he looks. I think he’s quite handsome (of course, you could say I’m a little biased).

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Matters of the Heart

November 9, 2010

I’ve said before that during times of great pain or great joy, I struggle to find words to write. Extreme emotions just can’t be captured in words. After weeks of roller coaster ups and downs, I’ve finally found a voice again.

In mid October, during a bowling party with work colleagues, my Mom suffered a series of very small strokes. She was rushed to hospital and within days, we found out that she had a tumor in the left atrium of her heart. An atrial myxoma is a congenital tumor that usually goes undetected for decades until a major stroke occurs. We were lucky that her stroke symptoms were minor. For someone so fit, so young, so full of life, the news of a heart tumor came on us like a bomb. We were shocked, devastated, scared, helpless. The world felt like it had changed.

There are moments in time that are etched in memory forever. The kind of moments that people talk about for years. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell? When Barrack Obama was sworn into office? When Canada won hockey gold? This was one of those moments.

Friday, October 8th, 2010. It felt like the world was imploding, the axis of my entire universe was on the brink of total collapse. Like a train wreck about to happen, it’s the kind of fear that you don’t dare stare in the face. It’s there, it’s all encompassing and it has the power to destroy you. Most of the last month was spent trying not to look at the train wreck, trying to hold on to any semblance of sanity and normalcy that I could.

Within days of her diagnosis, Mom was scheduled to undergo open heart surgery. Open breastbone. Heart-lung machine. Risks. Recovery. Prayers. Oh. My. Gosh. Is. This. Really. Happening. I couldn’t believe it. My mom, the energizer bunny, superwoman, friend and sunshine of our lives, suddenly left helpless and vulnerable because of a heart too big. The most loving woman I know with a dangerous condition of a heart too big. It was humorous, heartbreaking, ironic. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I did both. I did whatever it took to survive those weeks of total uncertainty. Mostly, I prayed and project-managed a house in survival mode.

Though I had dealt with tragedies before, none ever came so close to home. You just never think anything bad could ever happen to you or your loved ones. And when it does, the perspective that everyone talks about, the kind that makes you see life in a completely different way, slaps you in the face like cold water. Wake up call.

Each day is precious. Each moment a gift. The things that seem to matter so much like work, errands, and being right, all of a sudden don’t anymore. Nothing seems to matter in that moment of clarity. Nothing. Nothing, except Love. Pure, simple, all encompassing love.

The love found in the overwhelming fear of possibly losing someone. The love in a strained smile given to mask the pain. The love in patience and understanding when nothing seems to go right. The love in phone calls made to people across the globe, a call for prayer and hope and support. The love in tears.

If love were water, we were drowning in it.

Love gives us wings, but it also has the power to destroy us. So you’re forced to choose between the two. And the only choice is to fly. You rise above the fear and you choose faith. You rise above all the petty things and choose to invest in the things that matter. You believe, you declare, you let go and you let God. You choose to fly with powers beyond your understanding. You choose the healing powers of love.  You surrender to it.

It’s been a few weeks since Mom was discharged from hospital. I’m thankful to say that she’s home and recovering well. I still struggle to come to terms with the ups and downs of the last month. Sometimes I feel numb to the whole experience. So much learned, so much to be grateful for. Hopefully in the next few weeks, the words will come easier and I’ll be able to tell a fuller story of the amazing journey that we’ve gone through. Until then, I’m thankful that we’re in a place now where I can write to tell the tale. Where I can write of my gratitude to God and the universe for giving Mom her second life here in earth.

Hug your Mom today. Hug everyone you love. Today is all we have.

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June 13 2010

My Dearest Baby Brother,

Happy Graduation!

There was never any doubt in our minds that this day would come but now that it has, I can’t contain my excitement for you.  I am so expectant.  For years now, I’ve been waiting to see how you will harness all that the world has to offer, to do the great things I know you’re capable of.  You are capable of such amazing things.  It is scary to imagine just how far you will go.  You will go so far.  I promise.

But I also know how daunting it can be to leave the comfortable nest of student-hood to face the real world.  This feeling of being at the edge of a cliff, looking out into the dark horizon without the faintest idea about what comes next is (in my experience) a constant in life.

Though I certainly don’t presume to know the secrets to success or happiness in this world, the older sister in me can’t help but write this letter in an attempt to share some bits of unsolicited advice.

Advice is a funny thing. Baz Luhrmann once put it this way: 

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

And so, with all my love, a bit of fresh paint and hindsight, here are my bits of recycled wisdom.  Take them with an open heart and a grain of salt.

Fear is a constant.  And so is Change.

Both wield great powers if we harness them positively.  Remember in physics class when you learned that energy is constant and cannot be destroyed or created, just transferred?  Well, this is the same for the energies behind Fear and Change.  You can take them and feed your Worry or transform them into Excitement, Inspiration, Joy. It takes conscious effort to do this: to act counter to the heat of your emotions, to find pause long enough to hear the voice inside your head that isn’t clouded with fear and insecurity.  Take pause.  When you feel Worry creeping up, face it head on, know that it too will pass and then throw that anxious energy into Newness and Possibility.

Life is a long journey.

One very dear friend told me once, “Denise, life is long.  It’s not too late to start playing the piano.”  This after I lamented about being too old to learn to play music, too old to become an expert dancer, too old to become an athlete.  He is 50 and envisions another lifetime of new adventures.  Assuming that you’ll live till at least 90 years old, you’ve got 60+ years of doing and learning and seeing to do!  There are no excuses!  Remember: the race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself.  Whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re not, you can very easily change directions and try something different..

Be present.

The past is gone and tomorrow will never come.  All you have is this moment.  For the longest time I’ve searched for my purpose, the one true thing that I’m meant to be doing in this world.  But maybe it’s not about doing some grandiose thing.  Maybe it’s doing a bunch of different things that really matter to me in the time that I’m doing them.  I’ve learned that what’s most important is being present.  Whether we’re spending time with family or friends, whether we’re working or playing, now is the time to give 100% of our effort and attention.  Maybe that’s what being present is about.  And maybe that’s the way to live the best life now.

Give.

Of your time, of your love, of your patience, of your talents.  It is profoundly karmic and healing.  It opens you up, softens your heart, transforms you into a vessel of abundance and blessing.

Lastly, Trust.

Trust in your abilities, trust in the plan that has been set for you by something/someone larger than yourself.  There is so much in this world that you cannot control and you’ll go crazy in your head trying to bend others to your will.  Trust in the process of discovery and I promise you will find joys and opportunities that you’d never fathomed to be possible.

And know that every step of the way and in every circumstance, we (Mom, Dad, Bear and I) will be with you always.  We are so very blessed to have seen you walk this journey and can’t wait to see the next chapters unfold.

All my Love,

Ate

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An overwhelming love

May 9, 2010

The women in my family… are very good at swallowing disappointment and moving on. They have, it has always seemed to me, a sort of talent for changing form, enabling them to dissolve and then flow around the needs of their partners, or the needs of their children, or the needs of mere quotidian reality.  They adjust, adapt, glide, accept. They are mighty in their malleability, almost to the point of superhuman power.  I grew up watching a mother who became with every new day whatever that day required of her.  She produced gills when she needed gills, grew wings when the gills became obsolete, manifested ferocious speed when speed was required, and demonstrated epic patience in other more subtle circumstances.

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed

062009MomVisit022

A daughter’s life, by womb and blood and love, is bound inevitably to that of her mother’s.  The loftiest dreams and the deepest pains cross the thresholds of generation to ebb and flow between mother and daughter in a sea of endless tides.

The rock of mom’s love has been my anchor in the storms of my life.  How then, on this Mother’s day weekend, do I give her thanks for all things immeasurable …

… for crying with me in my deepest pains of heartbreak; for hot teas at 2 AM, for answered phone calls during important work meetings, for instilling braveness as we packed boxes, emptied shelves, dusted away memories and started anew

… for sending me off with a smile and a tear, a pain in her heart for the distance between us, but with hope and excitement for the adventures ahead; adventures lived vicariously through daughter because mother didn’t have the chance

… for beautiful random cards in the mail, for hand written notes, for surprise pairs of shoes, for make-up, scarves and exercise balls, trinkets of love and thought

… for laughter that turned to tears; at sunset in Italy as we shared dreams and fears and heartbreak; in a bus careening down the coast, while the driver looked on distracted; at Starbucks next door, tears and coffee and tea

… for “hello” IMs from 6500 miles away, a “hello” that lifts the weight of the world, brings lightness, joy and goodness in an instant

… for dreaming bigger than me, for dreaming bigger things for me, for dreaming that all things good and desired are possible

… for her smile, the smile I’ve thankfully inherited

… for the joyful, patient, beautiful way that she has loved my dad; children learn what they live – we lived in a home full of love, faith and laughter

… for sharing with me the joys of sisterhood – the amazing beautiful love between women; her sisters have become my second mothers; their pains have become my pains, and my pains, theirs

… for teaching graciousness as guest, as host, as friend; a thank you note, a token gift, a bundle of flowers

… for time; always, there was time;  evening walks on the streets of northwest Calgary, during the sunsets of my youth;  conference calls at lunch breaks, London to San Francisco; homework and brainteasers, zoo field trips and candy stores, elementary through junior high

… for teaching strength, wisdom and courage so i can stand up for myself when needed, but always with a reminder to be soft, to forgive, to choose love

… for being a true superwoman: mother, friend, daughter, wife, career woman, kid (at heart) and glamma (to the Bear)

And yet, it’s not enough.  No note of love and thanks will ever be enough to measure the gratitude that I feel for the blessing of Mom’s role in my life.  But I’ve learned that love and gratitude are infinite, meant to be given away.  So on this weekend, in addition to giving thanks to mom, I’m going to give thanks to all the wonderful, amazing, beautiful women in my life, those who’ve been here as mother, friend and confidante.

Thank you Ma Beng, Ma Pei, Ma Beth for the Castelvi in you.  You are the strongest, most generous, most faithful, loving, forgiving women that I know.  I am blessed to share your name.

Thank you Grandma for the early and the late years, for all the moments I can’t remember and for all the moments that I do: home-cooked meals, lunches, love and support; thank you for being the true embodiment of generosity.

Thank you Tita Merle, Tita Norma, Tita Julie, Tita Susan for all things you did that turned my dad into the man he is today, for the unending support, even in the distance.

Thank you Auntie Grace for being my mom away from home during university; for the support, for listening, for always being there.

Thank you Auntie Josie for all that we shared in London and after; for bringing your simple, humble love to one of the harshest cities in the world and reminding me just how beautiful the presence of family can be.

Thank you to all the Tita’s and Mama’s that I didn’t mention, from Calgary, the PI and Vancouver.  For everything that you are as women that has made my time with you that much more special.

Happy Mother’s Day.

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Quality, not quantity

April 29, 2010

The older we get, the more we need the people we knew when we were young.

It’s 2:30 AM and we’ve just finished with the dishes from tonight’s dinner with friends.  Lots of wine, picadas and pizza.  Wow, it is so nice to be able to socialize with a few familiar faces.  Sometimes, this adventurous lifestyle of moving around and conquering a whole new city can deprive one of the comforting, stable joy of good friends.

Throughout my travels, I’ve met a lot of people.  Crazy, smart, fun individuals who bring their own spice to life.  But as amazing as its been to run around and party with a bunch of strangers who have nothing to lose, there’s nothing more heart warming than catching up with people who’ve known you while sober.  It is so nice to talk about politics, old travel stories, and memories of years past from the comforts of the kitchen table, instead a sticky kiosk from a smokey bar.  Simple, down-to-earth shared time.  It makes such a difference.

The last time we met with Greg and Ana was six months ago when I was here in November.  Back then I was full of pent-up travel angst.  I was itching to hit the road, to see Asia, to wander and jump on the backpacker band wagon.  I wanted to be everywhere at once, happy to be in BA but even happier that it was for a limited amount of time.  Wow, how things change after a little time and a lot of experience. Today, there is zero desire in me to run around marking countries off a long list of things to do.

I *love* the little home that we’ve built here with our small basil plant and fresh daisies.  I love the routine of school, work and coffee dates with friends.  I love the subtitled movies, cheesy Spanish pop radio and corner fruit stands.  I love the stable, constant, tenderness of being with my love.  It has been so good for the soul.

I wish I could kidnap all the important in my life and plant them all in BA.  I don’t need many people.  Just a few good friends, my parents, my brother, my dog.  They’re enough. Actually, they’re more than enough; they’re everything.

These pockets of time catching up over coffee, sharing a meal, going for a walk, or sending an email that is real and open and intimate – all with friends who make a positive difference in my life – are such blessings.  I need to make sure these connections happen more often.  They’re the moments that matter most.

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So much world

March 25, 2010

I welcome the fear, knowing that if I’m not feeling it, I’m in the wrong place.

~ @jenovia

Tonight, I’m antsy.  I am happiness and music and possibility all rolled into one big ball of potential energy.  I’m like a wound-up rubber band just waiting to let loose.  It’s been a busy day.  Family, friends, loves.  The three things that matter most.  Maybe this is why I feel so … full.  Brimming with so. much. energy.  I don’t know what to do with myself.

Sometimes I feel like there’s just too much.  Too much world to explore, too much world to experience, too much world to run around and absorb.  Such irony.  This stillness, this stability of home fills my spirit with the love of all the people who matter.  And with this love, I grow wings.  The stillness breeds action.  A constant cycle of stop and go, stop and go, stop and go.

Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be.  A search not for a place of permanence, but instead the acceptance of the cycle of change.

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The next next generation

March 18, 2010

When it comes to technology, I consider myself quite tuned-in. I read my daily TechCrunch, Valleywag, Boing Boing and Engadget. I’m an early adopter of most online services and I get really really excited about stupid geeky things like A.I. apps, open-source CMS offerings and start-up camps.  But in my old age, I’m starting to realize that I’m pretty damn behind.

An evening hanging out with my 24 year-old brother reveals that I’m a gaming dumbass (I mean, is it really necessary to have 20+ buttons on a PS3 controller?!), that I pay way too much money for digital music, and that primetime TV is oh so yesterday (with vlogs, Netflix, Hulu and YouTube, apparently there is no need for a TV).  And even though all of this makes me feel like a dinosaur in the tech universe, I figure my brother’s ability to do 400 things online at once and his ability to find bespoke mixes by DJ Tiesto for free can be attributed to the fact that I think he’s got some form of ADD.  The kid is just plain strange (i.e. he collected collections as a child, and once, he nearly died under a snow pile trying to make an igloo from the inside out).  Compared to normal people, I’m not so behind.

But then enters Avni.  Avni is the most delicious thing on offer this side of the northern hemisphere.  Her cheeks are a perfect blob of puffy pink goodness.  Her eyes are so big she can pass as an anime cartoon.  And she is so smart it takes three adult university graduate homo sapiens to keep her from establishing a dictatorship in the household.  She can latin dance with the best of ‘em, creates beautiful table art with creative ingredients like yogurt, raisins and milk and she sings, improv style!  And as if all of this weren’t enough to whizz her past all rounds of college admissions, she is well-versed on the iPhone, YouTube and digital video capture.  She is two years old.

avnionswing
While over at Avniland last night for dinner, I couldn’t contain my shock as she thumbed through her favourite nursery rhyme, walked me through her favourite videos and practiced her vocabulary with flashcards of things like asparagus, helicopter and goat (I don’t think I learned how to say asparagus until I was 20).  All on the iPhone.  I don’t even own an iPhone!

When a two-year-old looks at a laptop screen and touches it to see if she can turn the page, you know instantly that her world is a completely different universe from ours.  When she wants music, instead of an instrument, she turns to YouTube.  When you take a picture, she knows instantly to walk over and view herself on the camera’s LCD screen.  And she knows, from a pile of many, which file on the iPhone is her favourite dancing video.  She is two years old!  TWO!  Next thing you know she’ll be tweeting her favourite toddler app marketplace via her iPad.  This is like a scene from a futuristic movie that didn’t get off the ground because it’s already so dated.

How do you even keep up with a kid like this?!  As a parent, not only do you have to hone your negotiation skills (because raising a two year old, I’ve discovered, is like being in the longest deal negotiations meeting of all time), your parental instincts, your patience, your perseverance, manage your energy, and practice prioritization, you now must also be a tech guru!  You must be well-informed, prepared and aware of how technology will impact your darling little baby.  And lucky for my friends (Avni’s parents), they’re both in tech.  What about parents who aren’t interested or tech savvy as it is?  How do you raise a child three steps ahead of you in this space?  It’s like an illiterate parent teaching their child to read.  Is that even possible?

Though I know a lot of it has to do with exposure and the home environment, the idea of a two year-old navigating an iPhone isn’t such a radical concept these days.  But as someone in their twenties, not yet a mama, and a suffering technophilia, I tell you, actually seeing this happen in person is still a sight to behold.

This world is changing and it’s changing faster than ever.  One year ago nobody checked into Cafe del Dogge on foursquare, the Kindle was for early adopters and YouTube live streaming was the new hot thing.  Six months from now Twitter will be an old fad, Facebook will have taken over the world, and heck, Avni might even be president!

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I’m too sexy

March 16, 2010

So, I’ve been home a little over a week now and it’s been lovely. There is nothing like the wonderful love of Mom and Dad to make any crazy person go sane (and from what I’m told, I’m a little more crazy and a little less sane). It’s nice to come back to home cooked Filipino food and be able to debate the merits of Twitter, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars with my Dad. We have dinners at the table and go for weekend errands together. They’re happy to have me home, I’m happy to be home and it all feels so nice. Mom, Dad, Dj. Family.

And then there’s the dog. Bear.

Technically, she’s my dog. I picked her up from the cargo depot at the airport when she was 8 weeks old and brought her to work with me everyday when she was a puppy. She peed on the carpet in the building stairwell and farted in the office that I shared with my boss and two colleagues (yes, that’s the sacrifice a Mama has to endure for her baby – her reputation!). I took her out at 4 AM every morning during potty training and tried to get her through the first level of obedience school, with little success. On paper, she graduated. In reality, four years later, she still won’t listen to the commands “stay” or “come” or “sit” unless there’s something in it for her. We bought her because she looked cute in the pictures and had no idea what we were getting ourselves into by getting a Shiba Inu for a first dog.

The American Kennel Club describes the breed as “fastidious, intelligent and independent”. They should be sued for false advertising. In real life, these dogs are “beyond stubborn, disobedient, selfish and aloof”. And can someone please do some due diligence to ensure that shibas aren’t really cats?! Because they sure act like cats – licking their paws, hating on dogs, plotting diabolical evil against their owners. Bear is like the girlfriend from hell – plays hard to get, never satisfied, never listens and so hyper-independent that you never really know where you stand. When I came home, opposite from the rest of the family’s reaction, she took one look at me and then pretended I didn’t exist.

Mom and Dad say she’s got issues because she’s a child of divorce. My then-boyfriend and I raised her for a year in our apartment before the child-damaging split. I think she’s got issues just. because. she’s. she.

When we go to the park, it seems like I’m the one playing fetch with myself. I’ll throw the ball, she chases after it and then sits there waiting for me to throw it again. When she enters the room, we all say “Hi Bear!” and she ignores us. At one point, I was actually concerned that she’d gone deaf because she was so unresponsive. Didn’t this dog learn her name like 4 years ago?! Isn’t it Pavlonian instinct to, at the very least, flinch when someone calls out at you?! Apparently not. And does she ever, just once, give us the small pleasure of watching her sleep while we’re all sitting in the living room on a quiet evening? Of course not. When she’s ready to sleep, she runs into the bedroom and hides under the bed. No goodnight. No thank you. End of story.

And yet, we are all so illogically in love with this dog.  She can do no wrong. She is spoiled beyond measure.  We give, give, give and she takes, takes, takes and somehow that makes us all smile. Masochism? Insanity? The thrill of the chase?! I do not know.  She’s a real-life incarnation of the women who inspired that crazy book titled Why Men Marry Bitches. Because supposedly women who play hard-to-get, who are stubborn, who are independent are oh so hot and sexy and lovable.  Riiiiight.

Today, while I froze my ass off on the patio of Peet’s Coffee having a chai latte just so Bear could get out of the house for a few hours, I tried to take a picture of her cuteness. And just as the flash was about to go off, she turned away as if to say, “No pictures please. I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it huuuuuuuurts.”

Photo on 2010-03-16 at 14.29

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Feeling like death

March 2, 2010

Oh.
My.
Gosh.

Having the flu sucks. I am so sick that I might even infect you as you read this post. I am THAT grossly ill, with mucus and tears and earaches and all aches and and and…. gah. I can hear out of 70% of my left ear but when I blow my nose, that number can go up or down depending on the fluids and pressures floating around in there. It feels cold when it’s warm and hot when it’s cold. It hurts to breathe, to speak, to eat. All I can muster is a drink of hot tea and even that is an ordeal.

And then a dysfunctional chat conversation with my brother…

DJ: i love the smell of fresh air and no flu
oh oops
hi sis…
how are you feeling?

me: i hate you
LIKE DEATH

DJ: oh well that’s nice i feel great too!
i might go for a run but maybe when it’s not too hot

me: i hate you
i hate you, i hate you, i hate you

DJ: i’m sooo SOO happy
cause i’m not sick
I LOVE not being sick
mmmmmmmm
life

me: go away

DJ: you smell like sick
you go away

me: go away
you smell period!

DJ: true
it takes a few weeks
but i get there

me: that’s disgusting

DJ: mmmm my smell
it’s a distinct danny
i shall bottle it

me: GROSS

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