A Girl in the World

Love

The Greek Salad index

September 2, 2010

We just finished an incredible two weeks in Greece – eating, beaching, swimming, dancing and overall indulging in such ridiculous languid pleasures that I feel guilty writing about it all here.  The sun, the sea, the music, the company, the scenery, the food.  Death by pure pleasure.

In addition to the beautiful Greek breakfasts that we had in Santorini, we gorged ourselves in seafood galore.  Sardines, calamari, octopus and fresh fish.  We spent most meals at local fish tavernas along the sea or along the caldera and we made it a point to stay completely away from the tourist restaurants.

Sampling restaurant/taverna food for two weeks straight was a fantastic learning experience in “eating out”.  My best friend Mari and her boy, AKA “The Greeks”, taught us to use the Greek salad index.  Whenever we looked over a menu deciding to eat at a place, they advised that we always check the price of a Greek salad.  Local, down-to-earth, family-run places usually price a Greek salad at about 5 Euro.  A place that prices a Greek salad at 10 Euros or more is catering to tourists.  Stay away!

Using this index, we found some incredible gems.  The kinds of places where the restauranteur, his wife, his kids, and the grandmas would all take part in serving us our meal.  Usually, these places offer cold, sliced fruit and raki complementary after the meal.  By 9pm, they are  always packed full of people, the noise of screaming kids and clattering plates abuzz in the air.  Magical.

It’s hard to believe that only three days ago, we were sitting in our swimsuits, having walked straight out of the sea and sat down to eat fresh fish on the outdoor terrace of a local fish taverna.  These have been some of the best meals of my life.  Dinner with good friends, over incredible food, watching the sun set in blaze of glory.

Just gorgeous.

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Lunatic thoughts: Imaginative escapism

August 12, 2010

We had some dear friends over for dinner last night and honestly, one of my favourite things about small, intimate dinners is the quirky conversation that is bound to come up about none-sense things.  It’s amusing to listen to it all flow from architecture in Canary Wharf, to suicide in one of the large towers, to suicide in the tubes, to Jamie Oliver, to cleaning bathrooms, to lime water that could be pinot grigio, to sex shops, to movies, to salary negotiations.  It’s like communal A.D.D. between four grown adults.

We were talking about a documentary on YouTube about suicide in the London Underground and quickly the conversation diverged to lunatic thoughts.  You know the ones.  Imagined scenarios in your head so real and so possible, they scare you.  Like when you’re standing there waiting for the train to arrive, it’s barreling down the tunnel at 30-40 miles per hour, it’s loud, it’s windy, the platform is packed with people.  How easy would it be to step a few feet over and into that rushing train?!  Danger is so close.  There are no barriers, no gates, no guards to stop you.  I used to imagine jumping in front of the train in the mornings, with a rush of fear so strong, I’d shiver all the way through the ride to work.  It’s nice to imagine vividly an alternate universe where recklessness knows no bounds.  The imagination is a powerful thing.

Our friend Andy’s lunatic thought was a little less sinister.  You’re in the office talking to a colleague face to face and you’re distracted by the lone, curly hair sticking out of the tip of his nose.  It must have been there for months, maybe years and how he hasn’t seen it every morning in the mirror and tried to remove it is beyond you but wow, how you’d love to just reach out and pluck that thing off his face.  You’re talking, smiling, nodding, completely distracted by the desire to save this man from any more embarrassment.  Maybe if you just pretended it was a fly and you quickly reached over to just get a piece of it.  He’d be startled but you’d laugh it off, ha ha ha, oh there was a fly on your nose!  It’s teasing you, that one grey grangly strand of hair, asking you to save it from the spotlight of this man’s nose.  Are you going to listen?!  What would happen if you did?  Would you get fired? Would he yell?  Would you care?  Would it be funny?  Of course it would be funny!

Or what about kissing that total stranger for no reason at all but to selfishly bemuse yourself over his reaction.  You’re walking down the street, he’s distracted, you’re bored.  Let’s spice things up a little, create an interesting human experiment.  He’d probably push you away before you even got the chance to get close enough.  Maybe he’d fall over from shock.  Would it be funny?  Definitely.  Would that classify as harassment?  In the USA, likely.

Or what about jumping from the gallery section of the Royal Albert Hall onto the arena below.  Would you break your bones?  Would it hurt?  How mad would the orchestra be over your disruption?  You’d probably get arrested.  What would jail be like?  How long could they really keep you there?  It’s not a crime, really, is it?  Silly yes.  Criminal, not really.

And wow, how cool would it be to go Jackie Chan on that really annoying colleague of yours?  A punch here, a karate chop there.  A black eye and a bleeding nose.  Ooooh, blooood. Too many action movies.  Fight Club. James Bond. You can punch like the best of them. Would your hand hurt?  It’s been said that punching someone is just as painful as being punched.  What would it sound like to hit someone on the nose?  He’d probably fight back.  Then what would you do?  Run?  Punch him again?  You’d for sure go to jail then.  It’s silly AND criminal.  Bad. Ass.

Decades ago in Calgary, we used to attend a baptist Sunday school where they taught us that thinking is the same as doing.  I was as nervous then as I am now about this teaching.  If it were true, my seat in hell would have been saved for me years ago.  I completely disagree with that preaching now.  Of course thinking isn’t the same as doing!  They’re two different words!  Duh!  And besides, that’s the whole point of being able to have lunatic thoughts.  Sometimes, we just need some fantastical escapism. =)

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Tell all the women to stop! The superfluous art of girl talk

August 4, 2010

If you’ve ever been at a Starbucks long enough to eavesdrop on two women chatting over coffee, you’ll realize quickly (especially if you’re a man) just how crazy the world of girl talk can be.  Scratch that.  It’s not crazy, it’s … ridiculous.  We women are ridiculous.  Even though I participate in said girl talk regularly, I’m still amazed at how we’re able to perpetuate hours of conversation on insignificant details regarding our interactions with the opposite sex.  Hours and hours on what he said, what he didn’t say, what he did and how and why and when and where.  Imagine how much more productive we’d be and how we could increase our creative output if we just STOPPED doing that and spent time on other things?!?!  We’d have cured cancer, AIDS, world hunger by now!!!

This is an excerpt from a chat I had with a girl friend earlier today….

K: denise!

me: hey miss!

K: thanks for coming out last night to somerset house. hope u guys had fun

me: it was a cool experience!! :) and it was so nice to see you!!

K: :)
btw that boy i was telling u about on monday night
he sent me an email yesterday saying he had fun.. but that was it and like an idiot i responded with an email that i thought was casual but fun. i ran it past two guy friends here at work and they said nope.. u seem too keen! :(

me: LOL
oh goodness!

K: and of course i haven’t heard from him yet :(
ugh!

me: these MEN and their stupid games!

K: dating life sucks!!!

me: LOL.
don’t stress!
i have friends who get texts from girls they are IN LOVE WITH and they look at the text, talk to each other and are like “Ok, i won’t reply to her today. Maybe tomorrow or the next”
and i am like ARE YOU GUYS RETARDED?!?!?!?!

K: hahaha are u serious?

me: YES
SO STUPID

K: UGH
so this was our email exchange
from him:

Hi K,

Good fun last night!

Rxx

and then my novel to him:

Definitely – can’t remember the last time I had so much fun on a Monday night! :)

Heading out to see a movie at Somerset in a bit. What’s going on at your end this evening…practicing ballet in your large bathroom? Now that I’ve had the pleasure of getting acquainted with your singing skills..I’m quite tempted to see your pirouette!

:) K

me: that’s not bad :)
it’s totally flirty :)

K: yes … the boys said the opening line was TOO intense and the “what’s going on with you this evening” says that i want to see him that evening.. which is SO NOT the case

me: oh goodness :) i don’t get men. so they said that it was too eager?!

Kinnari: yep!

me: let me see what the Boy thinks.

K: i bet he’ll say the same!

me: He says it’s fine. BUT NOW I AM MAD AT HIM FOR BEING A PART OF THE MALE SPECIES! because now i am irritated at men in general because they’re so dumb

K: he says it’s fine?? come on, tell me exactly what he said!

me: he said that it was friendly and that it’s the guy’s loss if he doesn’t reply

K: how cute. He’s a sweetie

me: BUT you know what, He never replied to my text messages either.

K: No??? why not?

me: it was only thanks to C that i didn’t drop him completely
she was like “oh, he seems shy. give him a chance”
and i was like “i don’t want a guy that i have to chase!”

K: hahahhahaha

me: so then i emailed him one last time and he asked me out
FINALLY!
SO NOW I AM ANNOYED!

K: LOL
you are funny

me: anyway, i am asking him for his feedback again and he said the same: “It’s the guy’s loss if he doesn’t reply”. BORING!!! Why can’t he indulge and analyze the email for two hours like we do?!?!?! ;) LOL

K: hahhahaha. Seriously! Can u believe how much time we WASTE on this shit?

me: LOL!

K: i thought for at least 20 minutes on what to write in that email

me: LOLLL

K: just to his “had fun last night”
JESUS
and now another hour stressing about how i sent the wrong msg
lol
absolute idiot

me: I’m dying here!
SO FUNNY!
i can’t stop laughing.
dumb men.

K: hahaha
no
men are not dumb
we are. we are the ones that are wasting our time analyzing every word and gesture endlessly
oh he held my hand this way instead of this

me: LOL

K: (literally, yesterday at the bar, i was telling the girls how we were holding hands)

me: so true!

K: men spend their time on wiser things

me: what do they spend their time on?

K: the usual ones on beer and sports

me: lol

K: the smart ones on reading about the world, talking about news.. life etc.

me: you’re so right

K: when do you find a group of guys talking about some girl one of them met?

me: true true! We need to spend our energies on other things! THAT is wisdom miss!

K: yep absolutely. you need to write a blog post about this!

me: Yes.

K: tell all the women to stop!

me: I will. Ok, let’s touch base later about plans for tonight. Thanks for making my day. Such a laugh!

K: Cross your fingers for me. Hope he emails

me: it’s his loss if he doesn’t! and THAT would be stupid of him :)

K: :) i actually agree with that
see what 30 does for u?:)
makes u pretty secure

me: :) haha
YES!!!!
love it!!!!

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Compassion’s pain

July 29, 2010

Sometimes, there are moments I wish I could take back and do-over.  Press life’s Rewind button.

Today, we went to the hospital to get the Boy’s stitches removed (he had minor surgery a few weeks ago and was in for a routine screen).  I hate hospitals.  Especially urgent care (emergency) rooms.  They are creepy.  A symbol of pain, heartbreak, stress.  I’m one of those people who can walk into a room and instantly feel the emotion of the place. Emergency rooms are not zen, no matter how nicely they’re decorated or how many fun magazines there are on the tables.  They make me instantly anxious, so much so that I feel nauseous.

There was a lady in front of us at check-in who was being helped out of a wheelchair.  She must have been in her mid thirties and clearly in a lot of pain.  Tears rolling down her eyes, she shuffled slowly into a room out of sight.  My imagination started running wild with possibilities.  What could have happened to her?  Why is she here alone?  Did someone hurt her?  A few minutes later, she was asked to sit in the waiting room across from me (the Boy had gone in to see someone at this point and it was just me and her, with the TV blasting in the background).  She looked away, ensuring I wouldn’t see her face and she sat there hunched over, clutching her stomach.  I could hear her sobbing.

So much of me wanted to reach out to her and ask what was wrong.  I was in agony for her.  I could feel her pain from across the bright, lifeless room and I wanted so badly to touch her and give her whatever comfort I could provide.  But another part of me feared getting too close.  I feared that I was intruding on her privacy, I feared the possibility of being exposed to a world and life much less innocent and different from my own, I feared her pain.  My heart was breaking.  For her.  And because I was so disappointed in myself for my own cowardice.

A few moments later, a nurse came by to give her some medicine and the Boy came out with a happy smile on his face.  We could go now. Everything was fine.

Except that it was not.

The moment had passed.

Compassion and love could have been exchanged in that moment, in a time  and place when they were needed most, but now the chance will be lost forever.  It’s been a few hours now and I am still feeling ill from the experience.   Terrible.  I couldn’t find the courage to risk my own fears so that I could relieve the pain of another.

I hope the next time, I will be different.  =(

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A lovely birthday week

July 28, 2010

Pink and orange daisies.

Midnight champagne and fruit.

The Saatchi Gallery.

Cool shoes.

Date night spoilage over din and martinis.

Cross timezone love notes from around the globe.

Surprise birthday cake.

Love from Ma and Pa.

The love of a good man.

Another year of unfathomable adventure concluded.

Press Play for the start of another.

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A wedding in Germany

July 12, 2010

We’re back from a wonderful few days in Baden-Baden Germany, after spending time with friends at one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve attended. In the middle of a heatwave, we congratulated Scott and Sonya as they declared their vows atop a vineyard in Germany’s Black Forest region. There were tears, champagne, strawberries, blazing heat, a gaggle of friends, a lightning storm.

Love and lightning. Perfect.

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Paris D’Amour

July 2, 2010

Mom and I concluded our 2nd annual Mama-Den Summer Euro trip last week.  We’ve decided to make it a tradition to set aside a week or two each year to spend time together on this side of the world.  After the ridiculousness of last year’s trip, we realize just how good for the soul a raucous, unsupervised mother-daughter escapade can be.

This year, we visited Holland, Belgium and France.  And even though we’ve been to Paris many times before, it was my favourite stop.  The city is just stunningly beautiful.  The afternoon we arrived was warm, sunny and perfect.  I couldn’t get over the fairytale feeling of walking, living, eating in such gorgeous surroundings.  Do people really live in such a fairytale setting?!

The city of love is a hard one to photograph.  After an hour walking the streets, beauty numbs the senses.  It’s like walking into a candy shop of all the best sweets in the world and not being able to decide what to purchase.  Paris is visually overwhelming.

But what I loved about our time there together was just that, it was TIME.  We didn’t run around trying to photograph sites.  We just walked, ate, talked and shopped.  Rinse and repeat.  It was slow, relaxed and lazy, just the kind of time that Mum and I needed with each other.

Between the crepes and jewelry stores, I did manage to snap a few photographs here and there.  It takes little effort to capture beauty in a city like this.  It’s everywhere.

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Letter to the new graduate

June 18, 2010

June 13 2010

My Dearest Baby Brother,

Happy Graduation!

There was never any doubt in our minds that this day would come but now that it has, I can’t contain my excitement for you.  I am so expectant.  For years now, I’ve been waiting to see how you will harness all that the world has to offer, to do the great things I know you’re capable of.  You are capable of such amazing things.  It is scary to imagine just how far you will go.  You will go so far.  I promise.

But I also know how daunting it can be to leave the comfortable nest of student-hood to face the real world.  This feeling of being at the edge of a cliff, looking out into the dark horizon without the faintest idea about what comes next is (in my experience) a constant in life.

Though I certainly don’t presume to know the secrets to success or happiness in this world, the older sister in me can’t help but write this letter in an attempt to share some bits of unsolicited advice.

Advice is a funny thing. Baz Luhrmann once put it this way: 

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

And so, with all my love, a bit of fresh paint and hindsight, here are my bits of recycled wisdom.  Take them with an open heart and a grain of salt.

Fear is a constant.  And so is Change.

Both wield great powers if we harness them positively.  Remember in physics class when you learned that energy is constant and cannot be destroyed or created, just transferred?  Well, this is the same for the energies behind Fear and Change.  You can take them and feed your Worry or transform them into Excitement, Inspiration, Joy. It takes conscious effort to do this: to act counter to the heat of your emotions, to find pause long enough to hear the voice inside your head that isn’t clouded with fear and insecurity.  Take pause.  When you feel Worry creeping up, face it head on, know that it too will pass and then throw that anxious energy into Newness and Possibility.

Life is a long journey.

One very dear friend told me once, “Denise, life is long.  It’s not too late to start playing the piano.”  This after I lamented about being too old to learn to play music, too old to become an expert dancer, too old to become an athlete.  He is 50 and envisions another lifetime of new adventures.  Assuming that you’ll live till at least 90 years old, you’ve got 60+ years of doing and learning and seeing to do!  There are no excuses!  Remember: the race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself.  Whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re not, you can very easily change directions and try something different..

Be present.

The past is gone and tomorrow will never come.  All you have is this moment.  For the longest time I’ve searched for my purpose, the one true thing that I’m meant to be doing in this world.  But maybe it’s not about doing some grandiose thing.  Maybe it’s doing a bunch of different things that really matter to me in the time that I’m doing them.  I’ve learned that what’s most important is being present.  Whether we’re spending time with family or friends, whether we’re working or playing, now is the time to give 100% of our effort and attention.  Maybe that’s what being present is about.  And maybe that’s the way to live the best life now.

Give.

Of your time, of your love, of your patience, of your talents.  It is profoundly karmic and healing.  It opens you up, softens your heart, transforms you into a vessel of abundance and blessing.

Lastly, Trust.

Trust in your abilities, trust in the plan that has been set for you by something/someone larger than yourself.  There is so much in this world that you cannot control and you’ll go crazy in your head trying to bend others to your will.  Trust in the process of discovery and I promise you will find joys and opportunities that you’d never fathomed to be possible.

And know that every step of the way and in every circumstance, we (Mom, Dad, Bear and I) will be with you always.  We are so very blessed to have seen you walk this journey and can’t wait to see the next chapters unfold.

All my Love,

Ate

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The Betterness Manifesto – a personal take

June 2, 2010

Post image for The Betterness Manifesto – a personal take

If you haven’t already read Umair Haque’s The Betterness Manifesto, I would suggest you take a quick look.  I bookmarked it weeks ago but have read it over and over again since, and after each pass-through, something new moves me.  There are powerful messages here.

Work. You’re worth something.  Stop giving your talent away to organizations that misallocate it, underutilize it, and possibly even abuse it. If you’re doing something meaningless, quit… Find a company that’s better. Better yet, start one.

Live. If you’re living somewhere meaningless, move… Move somewhere where there’s a local community made up of passionate, talented people, a community you can nurture and that nurtures you. It just might be good for your soul.

Civilize. Join civic society. Become a volunteer. Mentor someone. Get involved with a local non-profit. Do something that has, in the parlance of economists, positive externalities: an activity that benefits others more than it benefits you. The basis of civilization is not naked self-interest, it’s shared interest.

Reflect. Take time out, no matter what. Pick a favorite place, a café, a restaurant, park or avenue. Hang out and reflect. What would betterness mean in your life? How are you helping betterness happen? How could you help betterness happen?

Betterness doesn’t just happen.  It starts with a spark, with effort, with a daily conscious choice to give, to think positive, to live with openness. Here are my personal additions, less macro, more personal, and do-able on a daily basis.

Betterness, Everyday

Think Small. A random text message.  A phone call hello.  A pause to hold the door open for a stranger.  Small things can make a big difference in someone’s day.  My favourite memories with important people in my life don’t consist of grandiose trips or gifts.  I hold dear the daily rituals, the nicknames, the inside jokes, the random acts of love and affection that happen a dozen times a day.  They hold the weight of the world.

Act counter-intuitive. Choose love. We are all ruled by the ego (whose need is to be recognized, to feel bigger, stronger and better than others).  When you are inclined to withdraw, to hoard, to protect yourself from others – pause.  Think counter-intuitive.  Be open, be generous, act with humility.  Our first instincts aren’t always of love.  Choose love.

Give. Of your time, your patience, your prayers.  When I am in need, when I’m stressed, when I’m down, I make it a point to let go of my own qualms for a while and reach out to others.  It’s not a natural thing to do but I try hard to turn my own Need into Generosity and somehow, at the end of the day, I go to bed with an incredible feeling of abundance.

Pray. To God, to the universe, to the cosmos.  Be expectant.  Ask.  Receive it in your mind and heart now and watch it all unfold. Know that thinking well for yourself (and others) manifests real-world results.  The universe is listening.

Touch. Kiss often. Hug.  Connect with another human being at the most basic level.  It is in our instinct to touch, but along the way we learned instead to be modest, to protect, to shy away.  Touch is healing, reduces pain, contributes to positive attachment relationships (especially between mother and baby) and decreases physical and psychological pain.  It’s free, it’s basic and has become so rare in western society these days that it makes me wonder how many number of ailments we can cure by fostering a culture of affection.  Greet someone with a hug today.  Kiss your mom.

Gratitude.  Practice it, keep it top of mind, be thankful.  Count your blessings.  Live with a perspective of abundance and never will you feel poor, no matter the amount in your bank account.  When we spent the Christmas holidays in the Philippines with family, this attitude of abundance present in the lives of my poor relatives knocked me off my feet.  With so very little in terms of material resources, they manage to be the most joyful, generous, loving people I know.

Living better daily starts a little at a time but maybe, just maybe, it can make a bigger difference than we can imagine.

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Sometimes, we all need a small reminder…

May 26, 2010

… about What Matters Most (from The Purpose Driven Life)

Learning to love unselfishly is not an easy task. It runs counter to our self-centered nature. That’s why we’re given a lifetime to learn it. Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life. Love leaves a legacy. How you treated other people, not your wealth or accomplishments, is the most enduring impact you can leave on earth.

I have been at the bedside of many people in their final moments, when they stand on the edge of eternity, and I have never heard anyone say, “Bring me my diplomas! I want to look at them one more time. Show me my awards, my medals, that gold watch I was given.” When life on earth is ending, people don’t surround themselves with objects. What we want around us is people – people we love and have relationships with.

In our final moments we all realize that relationships are what life is all about. One of the ways God measures spiritual maturity is by the quality of your relationships. In heaven God won’t say, “tell me about your career, your bank account, and your hobbies.” Instead he will review how you treated other people, particularly those in need. When you transfer into eternity, you will leave everything else behind. All you’re taking with you is your character.

The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them. The more time you give to something, the more you reveal its importance and value to you. If you want to know a person’s priorities, just look at how they use their time.

Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can’t make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time. The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. It is focused attention. Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says, “I value you enough to give you my most precious asset – my time.” Whenever you give your time, you are making a sacrifice, and sacrifice is the essence of love. You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving.

The Bible stresses repeatedly, it says, “whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone. Use every chance you have for doing good. Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now.”

Why is now the best time to express love? Because you don’t know how long you will have the opportunity. Circumstances change. People die. Children grow up. You have no guarantee of tomorrow. If you want to express love, you had better do it now.

The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now.

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