I can’t put into words just how much I love this dog. She brings so much joy into our lives.
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Family
This past weekend, we celebrated Mom’s 1st Birthday of her second life here on earth. It’s been an amazing journey since we first found out about her heart tumor in October last year. Science and health are only two elements to creating a life well lived. We learned so much about the awesome power of faith, about the healing balm of love and realized just how precious our time together really is.
Mom has come a long long with her recovery and I know that her amazing healing has been a direct result of her unwavering faith in God’s love and her contagious positive outlook on life. My worries for her health and future have dissipated and turned into gratitude and celebration. Mama is not going to have a problem living a long, happy, joy-filled life. Her new life is a daily reminder for all of us to live everyday like it’s our last.
Happy Birthday Mama!
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Last weekend DJ and I explored SF. It was cold and cloudy for most of the morning but the clouds broke and we were able to enjoy some time in the sun with Little Miss Bear. Friends say that she is the most over indulged dog in the world. They are correct.
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Forgive me if I’m starting to resemble a crazy old cat dog lady, but it’s been so much fun taking random pictures of Bear lately. [Yes, we have a dog named Bear. This confuses many little kids that we meet.] She was the reason I bought a DSLR to begin with. My little point and shoot couldn’t take a photo fast enough to capture her action shots as a rambunctious puppy.
Plus, I’m obsessed with all of these new iPhone photo apps out there! With a combination of Instagram, SmugShot and Tiny Planet, I was able to produce these. So fun.
Which one’s cuter?
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Creativity flourishes in solitude. With quiet, you can hear your thoughts, you can reach deep within yourself, you can focus. The best art is created in solitude, for good reason: it’s only when we are alone that we can reach into ourselves and find truth, beauty, soul. Some of the most famous philosophers took daily walks, and it was on these walks that they found their deepest thoughts. My best writing, and in fact the best of anything I’ve done, was created in solitude. – Zen Habits
I’ve spent a lot of time in silence over the last few months, barely even writing in my own personal journals, let alone this blog. When Mom got sick, it felt as if someone cut off my voice. I didn’t know how to deal with the worry and the sadness, so I chose not to deal with it at all. The human body has an amazing way of coping with stress. Mine decided that it would be healthy that I turn into a robot for a while.
And so, it came to be, that no stories or insights or inspiration could flourish in my head. And if they did, I couldn’t find the courage to open my private life to the world and write about them. It has been three months since Mom’s surgery and I’m happy to report that she’s back to her old self again. Barring an understandably weakened physique, she’s running around being her silly, sweet self again. Though it’s hard for us to talk about it, I know that each of us are overwhelmingly grateful that she emerged from all of this relatively unscathed, both in body and spirit.
Emergence is what this January is to me. Emergence from the frightening ordeal of our past October. Emergence from my own struggles with place and purpose. Emergence from my own self imposed exile.
Though nearly a month late, this post is a celebration of the New Year, of new life, of a found voice. There’s a lot to catch up on and so much more to create anew. Stay tuned.
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I’ve said before that during times of great pain or great joy, I struggle to find words to write. Extreme emotions just can’t be captured in words. After weeks of roller coaster ups and downs, I’ve finally found a voice again.
In mid October, during a bowling party with work colleagues, my Mom suffered a series of very small strokes. She was rushed to hospital and within days, we found out that she had a tumor in the left atrium of her heart. An atrial myxoma is a congenital tumor that usually goes undetected for decades until a major stroke occurs. We were lucky that her stroke symptoms were minor. For someone so fit, so young, so full of life, the news of a heart tumor came on us like a bomb. We were shocked, devastated, scared, helpless. The world felt like it had changed.
There are moments in time that are etched in memory forever. The kind of moments that people talk about for years. Where were you when the Twin Towers fell? When Barrack Obama was sworn into office? When Canada won hockey gold? This was one of those moments.
Friday, October 8th, 2010. It felt like the world was imploding, the axis of my entire universe was on the brink of total collapse. Like a train wreck about to happen, it’s the kind of fear that you don’t dare stare in the face. It’s there, it’s all encompassing and it has the power to destroy you. Most of the last month was spent trying not to look at the train wreck, trying to hold on to any semblance of sanity and normalcy that I could.
Within days of her diagnosis, Mom was scheduled to undergo open heart surgery. Open breastbone. Heart-lung machine. Risks. Recovery. Prayers. Oh. My. Gosh. Is. This. Really. Happening. I couldn’t believe it. My mom, the energizer bunny, superwoman, friend and sunshine of our lives, suddenly left helpless and vulnerable because of a heart too big. The most loving woman I know with a dangerous condition of a heart too big. It was humorous, heartbreaking, ironic. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I did both. I did whatever it took to survive those weeks of total uncertainty. Mostly, I prayed and project-managed a house in survival mode.
Though I had dealt with tragedies before, none ever came so close to home. You just never think anything bad could ever happen to you or your loved ones. And when it does, the perspective that everyone talks about, the kind that makes you see life in a completely different way, slaps you in the face like cold water. Wake up call.
Each day is precious. Each moment a gift. The things that seem to matter so much like work, errands, and being right, all of a sudden don’t anymore. Nothing seems to matter in that moment of clarity. Nothing. Nothing, except Love. Pure, simple, all encompassing love.
The love found in the overwhelming fear of possibly losing someone. The love in a strained smile given to mask the pain. The love in patience and understanding when nothing seems to go right. The love in phone calls made to people across the globe, a call for prayer and hope and support. The love in tears.
If love were water, we were drowning in it.
Love gives us wings, but it also has the power to destroy us. So you’re forced to choose between the two. And the only choice is to fly. You rise above the fear and you choose faith. You rise above all the petty things and choose to invest in the things that matter. You believe, you declare, you let go and you let God. You choose to fly with powers beyond your understanding. You choose the healing powers of love. You surrender to it.
It’s been a few weeks since Mom was discharged from hospital. I’m thankful to say that she’s home and recovering well. I still struggle to come to terms with the ups and downs of the last month. Sometimes I feel numb to the whole experience. So much learned, so much to be grateful for. Hopefully in the next few weeks, the words will come easier and I’ll be able to tell a fuller story of the amazing journey that we’ve gone through. Until then, I’m thankful that we’re in a place now where I can write to tell the tale. Where I can write of my gratitude to God and the universe for giving Mom her second life here in earth.
Hug your Mom today. Hug everyone you love. Today is all we have.
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Pink and orange daisies.
Midnight champagne and fruit.
The Saatchi Gallery.
Cool shoes.
Date night spoilage over din and martinis.
Cross timezone love notes from around the globe.
Surprise birthday cake.
Love from Ma and Pa.
The love of a good man.
Another year of unfathomable adventure concluded.
Press Play for the start of another.
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Mom and I concluded our 2nd annual Mama-Den Summer Euro trip last week. We’ve decided to make it a tradition to set aside a week or two each year to spend time together on this side of the world. After the ridiculousness of last year’s trip, we realize just how good for the soul a raucous, unsupervised mother-daughter escapade can be.
This year, we visited Holland, Belgium and France. And even though we’ve been to Paris many times before, it was my favourite stop. The city is just stunningly beautiful. The afternoon we arrived was warm, sunny and perfect. I couldn’t get over the fairytale feeling of walking, living, eating in such gorgeous surroundings. Do people really live in such a fairytale setting?!
The city of love is a hard one to photograph. After an hour walking the streets, beauty numbs the senses. It’s like walking into a candy shop of all the best sweets in the world and not being able to decide what to purchase. Paris is visually overwhelming.
But what I loved about our time there together was just that, it was TIME. We didn’t run around trying to photograph sites. We just walked, ate, talked and shopped. Rinse and repeat. It was slow, relaxed and lazy, just the kind of time that Mum and I needed with each other.
Between the crepes and jewelry stores, I did manage to snap a few photographs here and there. It takes little effort to capture beauty in a city like this. It’s everywhere.
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My Dearest Baby Brother,
Happy Graduation!
There was never any doubt in our minds that this day would come but now that it has, I can’t contain my excitement for you. I am so expectant. For years now, I’ve been waiting to see how you will harness all that the world has to offer, to do the great things I know you’re capable of. You are capable of such amazing things. It is scary to imagine just how far you will go. You will go so far. I promise.
But I also know how daunting it can be to leave the comfortable nest of student-hood to face the real world. This feeling of being at the edge of a cliff, looking out into the dark horizon without the faintest idea about what comes next is (in my experience) a constant in life.
Though I certainly don’t presume to know the secrets to success or happiness in this world, the older sister in me can’t help but write this letter in an attempt to share some bits of unsolicited advice.
Advice is a funny thing. Baz Luhrmann once put it this way:
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
And so, with all my love, a bit of fresh paint and hindsight, here are my bits of recycled wisdom. Take them with an open heart and a grain of salt.
Fear is a constant. And so is Change.
Both wield great powers if we harness them positively. Remember in physics class when you learned that energy is constant and cannot be destroyed or created, just transferred? Well, this is the same for the energies behind Fear and Change. You can take them and feed your Worry or transform them into Excitement, Inspiration, Joy. It takes conscious effort to do this: to act counter to the heat of your emotions, to find pause long enough to hear the voice inside your head that isn’t clouded with fear and insecurity. Take pause. When you feel Worry creeping up, face it head on, know that it too will pass and then throw that anxious energy into Newness and Possibility.
Life is a long journey.
One very dear friend told me once, “Denise, life is long. It’s not too late to start playing the piano.” This after I lamented about being too old to learn to play music, too old to become an expert dancer, too old to become an athlete. He is 50 and envisions another lifetime of new adventures. Assuming that you’ll live till at least 90 years old, you’ve got 60+ years of doing and learning and seeing to do! There are no excuses! Remember: the race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Whatever you’re doing and whatever you’re not, you can very easily change directions and try something different..
Be present.
The past is gone and tomorrow will never come. All you have is this moment. For the longest time I’ve searched for my purpose, the one true thing that I’m meant to be doing in this world. But maybe it’s not about doing some grandiose thing. Maybe it’s doing a bunch of different things that really matter to me in the time that I’m doing them. I’ve learned that what’s most important is being present. Whether we’re spending time with family or friends, whether we’re working or playing, now is the time to give 100% of our effort and attention. Maybe that’s what being present is about. And maybe that’s the way to live the best life now.
Give.
Of your time, of your love, of your patience, of your talents. It is profoundly karmic and healing. It opens you up, softens your heart, transforms you into a vessel of abundance and blessing.
Lastly, Trust.
Trust in your abilities, trust in the plan that has been set for you by something/someone larger than yourself. There is so much in this world that you cannot control and you’ll go crazy in your head trying to bend others to your will. Trust in the process of discovery and I promise you will find joys and opportunities that you’d never fathomed to be possible.
And know that every step of the way and in every circumstance, we (Mom, Dad, Bear and I) will be with you always. We are so very blessed to have seen you walk this journey and can’t wait to see the next chapters unfold.
All my Love,
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