A Girl in the World

Fear

The slow burn: Time and the realization of truth and dreams

September 24, 2010

A few months ago, on a fresh London evening, a girl friend and I were sitting at a pub catching up about the year away.  We talked travel and work and friendship.  Under the buzz of after-office revelry, we opened up about pain and history and the men in our lives.  She asked me about the Boy and how things were going.  And I said in an instant, “I don’t know how it’s possible but everyday it gets better and better.  Usually, things start out really great and fizzle away over time, but with this one, it’s been the opposite”.  She smiled and said,  ”I love the slow burn”.

The slow burn.

Like unwrapping a present one fold at a time, the slow burn is an exercise in patience.  It’s believing when there is no proof.  It’s anticipating when there is no map.  It’s moving forward in the complete pitch black trusting that whatever happens, things will turn out as they should.  It’s the opposite of control.  It’s about not needing to know the future, it’s about being ok with uncertainty, it’s about embracing the moment.

The last year away has been a slow burn for me.  So much of the path I took while traveling, exploring and learning was uncharted.  On certain occasions, I didn’t even know where I’d sleep that night.  And on a grander scale, I had no idea what I was going to do after the journey was over, whenever “over” came.  It was an exercise in becoming completely comfortable with myself and all the non-answers that plagued me.  Did I make the right decision?  Am I in the right place?  Where will I be a year from now?

There were moments during my travels when these questions would drive me crazy.  I’d been so used to having answers, to having it all planned out.  Sitting in the nucleus of a self-made bubble of ambiguity was sometimes painful, sometimes exhilarating and almost always scary.

It has taken me a while to realize this but the slow burn is probably one of life’s best gifts.  In friendship, in work, in love and in dreams, the most important element is time.  Time reveals all the details that matter.  Time gives you the perspective and level-headedness to see past the fear, the heady excitement and the unease of change.  It helps you dig through the superficial and gives you the clarity to really see the bare bones truth of what you need to know.  It really is like opening the most amazing present there is, one small fold, one piece of scotch-tape at a time.

Patience is key.  Welcome the slow burn.  If you rush through, you may miss out on the stuff that matters.

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Lunatic thoughts: Imaginative escapism

August 12, 2010

We had some dear friends over for dinner last night and honestly, one of my favourite things about small, intimate dinners is the quirky conversation that is bound to come up about none-sense things.  It’s amusing to listen to it all flow from architecture in Canary Wharf, to suicide in one of the large towers, to suicide in the tubes, to Jamie Oliver, to cleaning bathrooms, to lime water that could be pinot grigio, to sex shops, to movies, to salary negotiations.  It’s like communal A.D.D. between four grown adults.

We were talking about a documentary on YouTube about suicide in the London Underground and quickly the conversation diverged to lunatic thoughts.  You know the ones.  Imagined scenarios in your head so real and so possible, they scare you.  Like when you’re standing there waiting for the train to arrive, it’s barreling down the tunnel at 30-40 miles per hour, it’s loud, it’s windy, the platform is packed with people.  How easy would it be to step a few feet over and into that rushing train?!  Danger is so close.  There are no barriers, no gates, no guards to stop you.  I used to imagine jumping in front of the train in the mornings, with a rush of fear so strong, I’d shiver all the way through the ride to work.  It’s nice to imagine vividly an alternate universe where recklessness knows no bounds.  The imagination is a powerful thing.

Our friend Andy’s lunatic thought was a little less sinister.  You’re in the office talking to a colleague face to face and you’re distracted by the lone, curly hair sticking out of the tip of his nose.  It must have been there for months, maybe years and how he hasn’t seen it every morning in the mirror and tried to remove it is beyond you but wow, how you’d love to just reach out and pluck that thing off his face.  You’re talking, smiling, nodding, completely distracted by the desire to save this man from any more embarrassment.  Maybe if you just pretended it was a fly and you quickly reached over to just get a piece of it.  He’d be startled but you’d laugh it off, ha ha ha, oh there was a fly on your nose!  It’s teasing you, that one grey grangly strand of hair, asking you to save it from the spotlight of this man’s nose.  Are you going to listen?!  What would happen if you did?  Would you get fired? Would he yell?  Would you care?  Would it be funny?  Of course it would be funny!

Or what about kissing that total stranger for no reason at all but to selfishly bemuse yourself over his reaction.  You’re walking down the street, he’s distracted, you’re bored.  Let’s spice things up a little, create an interesting human experiment.  He’d probably push you away before you even got the chance to get close enough.  Maybe he’d fall over from shock.  Would it be funny?  Definitely.  Would that classify as harassment?  In the USA, likely.

Or what about jumping from the gallery section of the Royal Albert Hall onto the arena below.  Would you break your bones?  Would it hurt?  How mad would the orchestra be over your disruption?  You’d probably get arrested.  What would jail be like?  How long could they really keep you there?  It’s not a crime, really, is it?  Silly yes.  Criminal, not really.

And wow, how cool would it be to go Jackie Chan on that really annoying colleague of yours?  A punch here, a karate chop there.  A black eye and a bleeding nose.  Ooooh, blooood. Too many action movies.  Fight Club. James Bond. You can punch like the best of them. Would your hand hurt?  It’s been said that punching someone is just as painful as being punched.  What would it sound like to hit someone on the nose?  He’d probably fight back.  Then what would you do?  Run?  Punch him again?  You’d for sure go to jail then.  It’s silly AND criminal.  Bad. Ass.

Decades ago in Calgary, we used to attend a baptist Sunday school where they taught us that thinking is the same as doing.  I was as nervous then as I am now about this teaching.  If it were true, my seat in hell would have been saved for me years ago.  I completely disagree with that preaching now.  Of course thinking isn’t the same as doing!  They’re two different words!  Duh!  And besides, that’s the whole point of being able to have lunatic thoughts.  Sometimes, we just need some fantastical escapism. =)

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The gods must be crazy (if you haven’t seen the movie, go rent it!)

January 14, 2010

I’m sitting in Art Kafe in Ubud for the 3rd night in a row. There are two men playing their guitars, singing live music. I’m at my usual couch, candles strewn all around as it pours rain on the street just a few feet away from me. The usual DOM (Dirty Old Man) has just walked by, said hi and tried to ask me out for a drink. And I just want to cry (in a good way and not because of the DOM). My good friend AV just sent me the most wonderful email and I had to hold back tears. All this after a day of intense introspection. Maybe the ridiculously brutal deep tissue massage that I had this afternoon has a lot to do with my emotional sensitivity today but when someone is working your body that hard, a thousand thoughts a minute can run through your mind on that massage table. All the lactic acids draining from every limb have nowhere to go but your brain! I swear it’s chemical!

I feel like I’m purging a lot of emotional baggage while out here on my own. And I certainly hadn’t planned to come to Bali to save myself from anything or to find something that was lost. I had actually wanted to visit this spa that I have been lusting over for a few years, Como Shambala, after I found their amazing shampoos and soaps at the Metropolitan in London. This place (Como Shambala) is an incredible yoga/rejuvenation retreat just outside of Ubud but after being here a few days, I really could not bring myself to pay $400 USD a night when compared to the $40 USD that I am paying at my gorgeous little place overlooking the pool and rice paddies. I mean, they would have to hand bathe me every morning, spoon feed me my breakfast and treat me like the Queen of England for me to pay that much money for a room relative to what I’m paying now! Luxury in Ubud doesn’t have to be expensive!

Anyway, this time away has been a real purge of all the emotional crap that I’ve been avoiding/carrying/denying for years. I mean, who knew?! Who knew I had things to sort?! Well let me tell you, I definitely have things to sort. We all have things to sort but many of us have become experts at stuffing our issues into small little corners in our closets and linen drawers. But one day, when you decide to trek out to Bali on some fanciful holiday, you’ll discover that your issues all snuck into your pack and they’ll greet you when you come out of the shower saying “HI MAMA!!! WE’RE HERE! SURPRISE!”. So anyway, I’ve been dealing with all of it these last few days and it has been hard hard hard. There are moments when I sit in bed and cry and other moments when I can’t help but laugh. Friends ask me if I ever get lonely or moody or sad and the answer is of course! Of course, of course, of course! My life is certainly far from perfect and I have big fears and big dreams just like everyone else. This time with myself has been liberating but hard hard hard. Hard but good. It’s like there’s this person, let’s call her Denisia, who is here with me and I get to know her a little more every single day. [Yes, I realize I sound cuckoo but that's OK. This afternoon, at another cafe, I actually declared myself cuckoo during a writing exercise. Self awareness, my friend, is worth more than gold!]. So yes, I am traveling along with this girl named Denisia and she really is the most delightful little thing!

I am getting to know her likes and dislikes, her dreams and fears, her real wants vs. her maybe wants. And you know what? We’re having a really great time at this. She surprises me from time to time but it’s all part of the process of getting to know someone new. Often she can’t make up her mind about anything! Massage in the morning and walk after lunch? Or walk now and massage after lunch? Or maybe Monkey Forest Park instead?! Blue sarong, or red sarong? Oh wait, what about the purple yoga pants up in the corner?! And today after 40 minutes at the bookstore, she walked out with NOTHING! NOTHING! All that time deciding and then deciding NOT! I tell you, I could have completely pulled my hair out! And let’s not even get to talking about her future. Sometimes she’s sure of one thing and then changes her mind. But she’s growing on me and I enjoy her company – she’s weird in that endearing not-always-so-scary-or-annoying sort of way. And even though she can break a daily habit out of nowhere (she will order the same thing over and over again until one day, all of a sudden and out of the blue she will order something completely different and then regret it!), she really can be relied on to be sappy and fun and maddeningly cuckoo. But like I said, it’s all part of the fun! And so today, even if she has been bat crazy and teary eyed and craving all sorts of weird things like prawn red curry with chocolate and pineapples (she could very well be PMSing – actually, I could bet my money on it), I am going to accept her anyway. Because you know why?! Because her name is Denisia and it sounds pretty darn close to my name Denise!

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Of ghosts and demons

January 9, 2010

I met a lovely Calgarian couple (Rita and Ken) yesterday on my cycle tour and like so many other Canadians I’ve met on my travels, they’ve done enough miles to circumvent the globe.  It’s always nice to talk to other travelers about traveling.  Usually they’ve learned the same tips and tricks and have garnered insight that you may sometimes think is unique to your own.

On our bumpy ride up to Batur yesterday morning, I learned that Rita traveled through South America in her twenties with her then boyfriend and as she described the ups and downs of traveling with a significant other, I couldn’t help but think about my time in Africa with the boy.  There were moments when I’d wake up completely frazzled, wondering what the heck I was doing in this tent in the middle of the back ass of nowhere Africa, with a boy who could be counted on to fall asleep in the middle of my sentences.  There were days when I would hate the world and could be heard cursing across the campsite and other moments when I felt like I saw the face of God (like when we were descending into the Ngorgoro crater at the break of dawn).  Travel can make you a little crazy.  Like Rita said, it has a way of revealing to you all of your deepest darkest fears and secrets, surfacing themselves through unexpected interactions, hardships, discomfort and prejudices.  The knee-jerk instinctual reactions to situations – the ones unrehearsed and unfiltered –  will oftentimes surprise you.  Maybe you’re not as open, loving, unprejudiced as you thought?  Maybe the things you thought you love to do you actually really hate.  Maybe you really can’t rough it like you so bravely assumed.  Travel is better than talk therapy!  Here are your fears and problems and insecurities – TAKE A LOOK, you can’t run from them, you’re in the middle of nowhere Bali and there is no turning back!  =)

I’ve felt a little cuckoo these last few days.  There are moments of such beauty here that I am at a loss for words.  The smell of the thunderstorms, the ecstasy of the food, the feeling that something spiritual is stirring around me, in every moment.  And in other moments, I feel like I might go deaf in my own solitude.  In the evenings, with no TV or internet to lull me to sleep, I freak out about my life, where I am, where I’ll be, who I am and what I want.  Yeesh!  Those are some pretty heavy life questions, coming at me all at once, in some little corner bedroom in dark damp Bali as the rain patters on the patio.

It has been beautiful and hard and humbling and testing.  Our ghosts are always with us.  Love’s past pains, our fears and insecurities, faces and people and things said that ring over and over in our minds.  In the craziness of life, the ghosts are pushed to the corners of the mind and heart, locked in some closet, hopefully never to be opened again.  But in the solitude and the new, away from the booze and parties and all things familiar, they have a way of revealing themselves and there is no way to escape.  No familiar coffee shop or close friend to run to, no sitcom to lose your time in, no Mama to cry with.  Just you and your ghosts and the courage to face both.

I am definitely facing my ghosts.  They haunt me everyday and slowly but surely, I’m learning to become friends with them.  We gossip about our youthful stupidity, we laugh about the pains and we cipher through the details to make sense of all that didn’t make sense before.  It’s like a puzzle coming together, one that is full of understanding and promise, that soon, everything will make sense and fall into place.  With the chaos will come peace, and when the demons speak, I will understand.

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Book Review: Life of Pi

October 20, 2009

Wow.  What a great story.  I am breathless and dizzy.  The last few chapters concluded with such force that I feel winded.

Yann Martel is an absolute genius (and he’s Canadian! woot, woot!).  This book is layered with such symbolism and allegory that it would take me another two or three read-throughs to properly decipher it all.  I understand now why it’s included in English Lit reading lists.  I had planned on talking about it in more detail but I feel it would ruin the experience for someone who hasn’t yet read it.  It would suffice to say that this story wrought is with imagination and magic and is the type of read that will make you believe in fairy tales.  It reminds me a lot of Shantaram, in its ability to steal me from this reality for a while and transport me to a time and place that I’ve never seen with my own eyes.  Good books are like that.  They open your mind to a completely different life and make you believe that you can fly, that tigers do talk, that thousand year old vampires can really sweep you off your feet.

Some interesting points to consider:

  • There are many religious undertones in this book but the story itself is also a symbol about Faith.
  • I love how Martel incorporates the psychology of fear throughout.
  • I was convinced this story was true.  This is how gullible I am.
  • The first 50 pages nearly bored me to death.  I’d have to say that the pain was worth it.
  • Did you know that sloths have no natural predators because they are so slow that no one cares to think they are even alive?

I’ve collected a few of my favorite new quotes – prose put together so beautifully that I can’t help but share:

All living things contain a measure of madness that moves them in strange, sometimes inexplicable ways.  This madness can be saving; it is part and parcel of the ability to adapt.  Without it, no species would survive.

To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.

I must say a word about fear.  It is life’s only true opponent.  Only fear can defeat life.  It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know it.  It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy.  It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease.  It begins in your mind, always.  One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy.  Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy.  Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out.  But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier.  Doubt does away with it with little trouble.  You become anxious.  Reason comes to battle for you.  You are reassured.  Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology.  But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low.  You feel yourself weakening, wavering.  Your anxiety becomes dread … The matter is difficult to put into words.  For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it.  So you must fight hard to express it.  You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it.  Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

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On the road to mediocrity

June 24, 2009

From Seth Godin’s blog:

Along the way, we settle.

We settle for something not quite right, or an outfit that isn’t our best look, or a job that doesn’t quite maximize our talents. We settle for relationships that don’t give us joy, or a website that’s, “good enough.”

The only way to get mediocre is one step at a time.

You don’t have to settle. It’s a choice you get to make every day.

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The Leap of Faith

June 22, 2009

I quit my job.

[insert gasp here]

There’s a scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade that can describe what I’m feeling right now.

Leaving this place is like jumping off a cliff. The future is uncharted and when people ask me what I’m going to do next, I have business plans, travel plans, tango plans, Spanish plans, writing plans. It both excites and scares me. One door is closing and infinite possibilities are appearing before my eyes.

Google has been a dream. It has been a blessing, a joy, an incredible, indescribable journey. Leaving this place has been one of the most difficult decisions ever. It’s like breaking up with the perfect boyfriend who just isn’t the right fit. There is so much love inside me for this place – for the people, for the wonderful opportunities and the beautiful memories. Google has changed me forever. I am better, stronger, different because of the time that I’ve spent in these walls. And as my days here near their close, I become more aware of how precious the moments are. These are amazing days. I’ve met my two best girl friends / soulmates here, have traveled more of the world than I could have ever imagined, have made friends in countless cities and have witnessed greatness, brilliance, astounding talent every single day. It has been life changing.

A friend, after hearing about my decision, sent me a quote from Steve Jobs’ commencement address at Stanford University from a few years ago. It sent goosebumps through me.

“… you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. “

In my life, I am trusting that God will work wonders. He has worked some pretty incredible wonders thus far. I have always known that I am meant for something different. There are talents to be tapped, lives to touch, people to help, things to learn, places to discover and many many days to marvel at the wonderful blessings that abound. It’s time for me to listen to that burning desire inside, urging me to push myself and discover how high I can fly, without the net of stability that has caused me to procrastinate making the tough decisions. No more procrastinating. Change is good. Chaos is good. Life needs to be shaken up every once in a while. And it has been a while.

It is time.

Great things await.

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